wish me luck

So lets see if I can explain this i have attempted suicide so many times its become like an addiction. But ive always been saved cause ive always gotten afraid and get help after ive done something. I don’t want to live but im afraid to die.i can go half way through with suicide and take the pills i can stand on the bridge but i cant jump and i cant not call for help cause im afraid.
But lately the urge is there again and i have to do it failed attempt or not cause it’s like cutting if you don’t do it the urge gets stronger till you go mad.im not really all that sad though I have my reasons for doing it other than it being a strong urge.lets just say i don’t feel very secure about my future as a friend of mine told me today,.my future looks very bleak especially after my parents pass on i wont know how to survive without them. So as a result my life may or may not be at a halt depending if i can go all the way this time without seeking help