I live a life that feels like a lie…. I smile and fake happiness because I feel like it is expected. My husband says “I don’t get it? Why are you always sad?” House, kids, job, family…. I should be happy right. What’s wrong with me that I live everyday wishing I had the guts to end it. To look at my “life” from the outside you would see a happy mother who always smiles, does activities with family, friends etc but it is all BS. I’m so tired. Tired of faking the smiles, tired of acting like everything is ok, tired of hurting all the time. I came across this site today and just need to get it out. I lie to my shrink and therapist because I feel like I have to live up to certain expectations. I honestly don’t know if my husband is blind or if I have just gotten that good at hiding my true self OR if he really doesn’t care. I try to reach out to people and get “it will be ok” or “you are just having a bad day”. I am so tired of all of those comments. So I have just built a wall around myself. Now I’m trapped. This darkness is suffocating me. Sorry for the long post….
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2 comments
Those people don’t understand depression. It’s not that they don’t care. You’ve probably learnt to hide it well, but if people aren’t experiencing it they’re unlikely to see it in you. I used to regret how well I’d learnt to hide it, because I couldn’t bring out the real me anymore.
I don’t think you should lie to your therapist. You shouldn’t have to live up to any expectations. They shouldn’t have any expectations of you. That should be the place you let off steam about what it’s really like.
The post isn’t long at all. It sounds like you’re depressed, and that’s more than being sad. It’s an illness. It warrants some recognition and treatment. I know how it feels to be trapped in seemingly endless despair. Keep looking for courses of action. If the therapist/shrink aren’t working, search for something different. And this is a great place to vent while you’re waiting. We’re all right there with you. Hopefully talking here will make the darkness a little bit less dark.
That was not a long post.
If you feel like you have to lie to two mental health professionals then you need new ones. Regardless of who you are or how lucky your exterior façade appears, they are supposed to give you the tools you need to cope and grow. So either you are an amazing liar, or they are asleep on the job and not calling you on your lies.
Help is abundantly available. Would you take it if it was offered? Just something to meditate about.