I am an insult to depression. I am a living effrontery to depressed people.
I make a LOT of money doing a fairly easy job.
I live in a beautiful house that has been in commercials and magazines.
I bought a new car last week because I was bored with my bmw.
I am constantly surrounded by family and friends who tell me how great I am, and can’t tell you how many people I’ve had fall in love with me.
My best friend lets me dogsit his amazing black lab who is the embodiment of love whenever I want because he knows it helps me.
Despite all this, I am alone. I feel like I am wrapped in a dark heavy cold blanket all the time. The more people smile at me, the more success I have, the tighter the blanket gets and I can’t breathe, I don’t want to anymore. I wake up disappointed that I will be seeing another day. I go to sleep praying this will be my last day. Every time I sneeze or feel tired, I hope it’s the beginning of coming down with something that will kill me. I have tried medication, therapy, yoga, etc. nothing helps. I’ve had enough, and I’m tired. I’m losing my desire to do anything but just walk into the woods, lay down and wait to starve to death. I would give everything I own to find peace or even a day of happiness, so that I could at least go on remembering what happiness is and maybe forge ahead. The only reason, and I mean the only reason I haven’t ended it all yet is because I know that killing yourself is taking the pain you have and giving it to someone else, someone who loves you, or even many people. I never want anyone I care about to feel this pain. It’s mine to own and maybe someday adjust to, but sadly, this pain is eternal, it can be forced to recede but it will always be here in some form, waiting to resurface.
I’m sorry for everyone who has real problems like debt, physical illness, loneliness, grief etc. I have none of those things and I’m still miserable, and that just makes it worse. I wish I could take pieces of my life and give them to everyone here and solve their problems so that I have no life left.
6 comments
Your depressed life is just a painful as anyone else’s here. There is no objective standard of what a “real” problem is. In fact, some of the things you list as advantages strike me as terrible burdens. Dysthymia is a pernicious condition. I suffered from it for many years until I bought a small child on the internet. Now I struggle with plain vanilla depression and I am thankful for that.
I hope you find peace. I believe there is a way out of your predicament but only you can find it. Thank you for reminding me of my abundance.
SeeSmith, you bought a small child on the internet?
I am sure that everybody or most people feel guilty about depression. I feel very guilty about wanting to die. Recently I volunteered at a drop-in centre for refugees from Syria. They are all traumatised and have lost everything but they still manage to laugh and dance. I feel like I must be a horrible, ungrateful person to be sitting here wishing I were dead when I have a home and my health and all that. I can’t go and volunteer there again because in a way I am jealous of them and also I am ashamed of my depression.
When life feels so empty decide to do better.
Try helping people or animals. Simple acts of kindness costs nothing and will make you feel happy.
Peace!
“Try helping people or animals”
A thousand thumbs up. Themap, tell me if this makes sense. All your success can’t convince you to live, right? it’s because your success is for you, and if you are unable to appreciate it, that’s a dead end. But if you do something for others, animals are your easiest bet because they always appreciate kindness, then the success isn’t yours alone. It’s shared. It’s validated. Please give it a shot. Email me if you need ideas how (my email should be visible to you). Good luck
That’s how I am, I feel.
I make pretty decent money at my place of work, and I wouldn’t say the work I do is too terribly difficult.
I have great family and we see each other nearly every weekend and I speak to at least one of them everyday. We’re all very close.
I have my own place and I just bought a new car, and I’m only 20. A lot of people my age don’t have either one.
I have nice things, and I can buy things I need and want, usually without issues.
Because of these things, I’ve always felt I wasn’t “worthy” or allowed to have depression. There are so many people who are depressed because they don’t have a life like mine. I feel even worse then because I’m wasting all these great things. Then I realized that depression isn’t really based on objects. I mean, it could be for some people, but it’s not that way for everyone. Like, yeah I have all these nice things and this “perfect” life when you’re looking at it from the outside, but I’m lacking so much inside of me and emotionally. I have all these objects, now what? They didn’t work. They didn’t satisfy the things I need to fix what’s wrong inside of me. I’m exhausted by life and everyday is more depressing and exhausting than the last.
My point is it’s okay to feel the way you do, even though you may feel like you’re not allowed to. It only makes it worse when you add the guilt of wasting a “good life” everyone else may think they want. It’s okay, and you’re not alone.
You made me think of this TEDx talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgBpyNsS-jU
And true honest to God depression of the clinical variety has no external cause. People who can name the exact reasons they are upset have a different burden from clinical depression. But of course, just because you can’t name it doesn’t mean it must be physical.
And you are clearly a very caring person. I second the recommendation to do volunteer work. Give $5 to every homeless person you pass (I was homeless quite a while and now I always give out money). If I were you, I’d try to pin down the worldviews you hold. For instance, given your description, I wouldn’t be surprised if you gave a homeless person $5, felt good about the event, and the felt bad for feeling good about it. Some world views aren’t helpful to you or the world, but they’re wrapped up in some idealist “be the best person I can be” belief system.
I recommend to everyone that they be their own best friend.