I am going to attempt a suicide on the 30th of November, which is next month. I feel that everything’s too hard, that my feelings keep being played with by others, that most of my dreams end up failing no matter how hard I try. I want to get out of this state of despair but I can’t, it’s too hard. How am I supposed to get out of this state when life’s too harsh on me? And even if I do get out, life’s always going to get harder and harder, making the chance of me attempting to suicide again even greater. I want to ask help from others but I think they might worry about me too much, which will make me think that I am an inconvenience to others. If I am going to kill myself, one of my last wishes is to be friends with this person who I have a crush on right now. However, I am too weak and my crush probably thinks that I am weird because he barely answers my messages and if he does, he usually replies with a word or two. I want to tell my crush that I just want to be friends with him and that it’s sort of my dying wish and that I want him to notice me (Yes, it’s cliche, but at this point in my life, who the hell cares?) for once instead of acting like sort of a snob to me. I don’t even know if he’s acting like a snob or he just replies with a few words to everyone, it’s what my friends suggested to me.
But, I have dance class and stuff, which is good, since it is one of the few things that doesn’t make me think of suicide. I believe that if I keep thinking, “No, I can’t suicide, I still have dance with me,” then maybe I’ll be able to not kill myself. But the problem is, I was put into a science school and that if I decide to switch schools so that I can focus on dance more, I have to pay a large amount of money to the school because my scholarship should’ve been given to someone else and that we have to pay back. I think going to that science high school was very impulsive of me because I didn’t know that I would suffer this much and I was mainly thinking about the scholarship I got to that school. I should’ve focused on dance more. But I guess, it’s too late to back out now. (The science school also is very stressful, compared to other schools.)
So now, I don’t know what to do with my life. I don’t want to be a scientist anymore, I want to be a dancer instead. But at the same time, I don’t want waste the scholarship for the science school I am in right now. And at the same time, I want to kill myself but there’s something to live for (dance) and if I am going to kill myself, I don’t think my last wish would be fulfilled, which is being friends with my crush.
I think my life’s a huge mess right now. I’m barely even genuinely happy. What should I do?
2 comments
You know, at least you have a shot at being becoming friends with your crush. You SHOULD NOT kill yourself. You still have a chance and if your crush does not want to be friends with you, it is his/her loss. You seem to be a nice person deserving of more respect in your community. Keep at it with your dance if it makes you happy, but being a scientists, you can make good contributions to the world if you ever become one, that would be a HUGE accomplishment. But before you think about killing yourself, you have to explore every option. Like you I to have a suicide date(much later than yours July 2018), but there is something I have always wanted to do as well and once I do accomplish it, I might have a shot of feeling happy again. If your crush doesn’t work out there are plenty other people you can have relationships with. Unlike me you’re not a failure, you seem to have a life set for yourself, my life was downhill for as long as I can remember. I’m sorry if my post confuses you a little 🙁
I think your answer begins in your last line: “I’m barely even genuinely happy.” The answer is to look for happiness. You might not find it straight away; a lot of people seem to be depressed for a long time and then when treatments start working for them it’s like they start slowly moving. But you can find it again. I can’t tell you what the best decision is re schools, but if you can imagine for a second that you live past November and into the future, which do you think would bring more happiness then? If you don’t want to be a scientist and dancing gives you even a small breath of life in your despair, then perhaps that’s the way to go. It’s your decision, but one that you should make now rather than later. Don’t panic about it. I’m sure you’ll make whichever decision is right for you. 🙂
Don’t think that life will get harder and harder. If you feel better in yourself, there’s no reason than it should. Problems in your life are bound to weigh much, much more heavily on you when you’re feeling suicidal. Things won’t always be this difficult.
How long is it since you felt happy? Have you seen a counsellor or a doctor? There are things you can do to try to help yourself too. I hope you put aside your date for the time being and give yourself more time.