I feel so pathetic for getting to the point where I have to write on forums about my problems because I’m so absolutely terrified to tell anyone close to me. I’ve isolated myself almost entirely since about last April/May and I’ve lost everyone important to me. There has not been a day to go by without me thinking about ending my life in some way in months and gosh, these past few days I feel like a ghost in my own body. I feel so numb and empty. I have no energy. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I can’t get my schoolwork done. I’m failing and I don’t care. I sit in class and cry because all I can think about is pretty much just ending my life and I’m a little scared because I don’t know what it would be like to die. I mean I’ve always wanted to go and see the world and have a family and love and make a huge difference in someone’s life, maybe become a teacher, I don’t know. None of that matters anymore. I don’t want to do anything ever again. I have no passion or motivation for anything, nothing interests or intrigues me. I get told all the time that all I am is a burden. I just don’t feel connected to this world at all. I know everything is temporary and eventually it will all get better but I don’t know if I want it to get better. If I were to be given a pill that would fix all of my messiness, I really don’t think that I would take it. I have no idea who I was before I became this and this is all I can really identify by. I don’t want things to get better anymore. I want to end my life. As sickening as it sounds, I hope and hope I get terminally ill just so people don’t get mad at me for committing suicide. I hate it when people are mad at me. Everyone is always mad at me. I just want to disappear.
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4 comments
I know how you feel I am five to six weeks into school and have not done a single homework assignment. You are not alone, I had to resort to this because I didn’t feel comfortable to tell anyone close to me. However, I don’t see a need to feel pathetic…for me or you or anyone… some of these people on here are better people than you will ever met in real life. I am not trying to say you have no reason to feel the way you do. It is just that you, me, and everybody does not need to waste time feeling that way. Try to focus on the bright side of joining this site. Make a pros and cons list and try to stay open-minded when creating the pros and cons list. By no means am I trying to be mean, I am trying to be helpful but I am bad at this kind of stuff and I feel it is coming out very badly. Could you comment and tell me if this was good or bad advice? Feel free to criticize me.
Wasn’t bad advice at all! I didn’t meant for it to seem as this website was a bad decision for me to join, as it wasn’t at all, I just feel as if I shouldn’t have felt the need to in the first place.
I’m sorry you’re suffering. It’s so hard to know what to do when you reach that point where you don’t know if you want to get better. Depression can take away your whole identity and leave you with nothing but itself. A lot of people (including me at times, and in the past) can relate to you hoping to get a terminal illness.
It’s clear that suicide would be a difficult decision for you (considering what others would think – although I don’t think they’d only be mad), however deeply you want it. I would give it some time and look for ways to try to feel a bit better. Maybe someday you’ll be so glad for it. If you’ve been isolating yourself for that long, you’ve obviously felt terrible for a long time. Even in a shorter time, depression transforms you. It’s understandable if you can’t remember feeling better and the idea holds no charm or substance for you. I don’t want to try to build you up and tell you it’ll get better and then disappear and leave you to deal with it… it doesn’t disappear that easily. But I would love it if you could take another chance. This is a great place to come for support – both emotional and practical. There are other forums and support groups online too… even online, connecting makes a big difference.
A lot of people here are going through hell and not everyone knows what to do, but there are some people who are doing better and people who have advice based on what helped them in the past. It’s not possible to suddenly feel like life is worth it, but it is possible to surround yourself with people to build you up. It doesn’t sound like you have relationships that you benefit from in real life. You don’t have to figure all this out alone. Take one day at a time, keep talking to people, and one day you’ll find you’re walking along stepping stones…
Love and hugs 🙂
If you need someone to talk to and be friends with email me at grantscobbie@gmail.com
I’ve know what you’ve been through