kay. so. ugggggggh. it’s just, some days are worse than others, you know? some days, im thinking, “i hate him so much, he’s a lying piece of shit, idgaf about him anymore”. and right when i think im over him, the next fucking day here i am in tears, once again, thinking “where did i go wrong, why can’t i stop loving him, why does he hate me, why did he call me a slut, did he ever fucking care at all?”. and its SOOO stupid. im 14. im in love. even worse, im in love with a guy ONLINE. people keep telling me “you have so much more coming, you will be over him and find the right guy”. but that’s not helping! its been 2 months since we broke up, and i can just tell im not going to be over it for a long time. and yes, ik he’s not the right guy. ik he’s a total asshole. but i still love him, and i miss him so much. and idk what i want to hear. well, i do know. i want to hear from one of his friends “he can’t get over you, he thinks about you every day, he regrets what he said and what he did and he loves you” but none of that is true. he hates me, and i heard from another person that he called me a slut. normally, no matter wtf anyone says, nothing offends me. but him? anything intended to be hurtful is like a fucking knife to the heart.
then here i am hoping. thinking “oh, you say he’s a dick. yet you love him. he says you’re a slut. maybe..?” and then here i am remembering, only 4 months into the relationship, and again a couple weeks before we broke up, him saying “if we broke up, i wouldn’t date anyone else. i wouldn’t love anyone the way i love[d] you”. what happened to that? well, i got no fucking clue. he just doesn’t love me anymore… and this wouldn’t be as bad as it is if he hadn’t played me after we broke up. we both ended up dating someone else fairly quickly, a rebound relationship. then what does he do? he comes back, he tells me he’s been depressed, done drugs, attempted suicide, said he can’t get over me. it sounded so real. we planned to end our relationships as soon as possible to get back together. but i couldn’t end it quick enough, apparently. after a while we started talking less (i was still in my rebound relationship), and then one day, we got in an argument (and this was a couple of days after i broke up with the new guy). he started being rude for no reason. literally no reason. and normally i can’t defend myself against him (he was the one person who i couldn’t fight), but this time i did, and blocked him after sending a fairly long message. idk how long ago that was. maybe a few weeks, i lost count. but i miss him. and i want to talk to him. i want to talk to him i want to talk to him i want to talk to him i can’t take it. alcohol has been my way to numb the pain his absence brings, BUT WHERE THE FUCK DID I GO WRONG? what did i do to make him hate me? to make him play me? say i wasted months of his life in the last conversation we will ever have? i don’t get it :'(
“i won’t stop. keep that in mind”. last lie i ever heard from him. last one i probably will hear, too. i have no way to talk to him. we have a couple friends in common, but i don’t want to ask them anything about him. they’ll either tell him, or just know i still care when i should be over him. i can’t really trust them. soooo here i am drinking on about a daily basis, some days totally fine, others on the verge of a break down. i feel if i had an easy way to die, an easy way to end this pain, i would take it. i would.
i miss him.
i wrote this last night. last night, i also found out one of my friends is dying. i posted a little thing on my story on snapchat, but on the account i rarely use. but he saw it. he read my story. and today… he sent me something. this is now the only way we have to communicate; i had forgotten about it. but im too afraid to open his message for fear it’ll be rude and weaken me further. i don’t know what to do.
5 comments
Don’t do online try meeting people in real life they tend to text back more often because they have to see you at some point in the week
Are you sure its love ? We cannot love, we are chemically, unable to love more than our own self. Love for that matter never exist, except in literature or in movies, as a fantastic idea. Its actually a good thing that to have sex has been given a name of making love, social order realized that love is nothing but a need to be able to ejaculate inside other person, passionately; so that our chemical imbalance can become normalized.
Love is a thing cannot be done by ordinary humans, you need to be supra normal; an Uberman to do love,only people of fantasy can do love.
Love is more like being obsessed with someone, which has no space to be an acceptable behavior in our society.
Sorry what you feeling is nothing but delusions in the eyes of humans. May be you will realize it too when you have sex that the intensity of obsession decrease if you get what you want; and you will be left with nothing but yearning to find a way to get back that feeling of obsession.
Like Wendy, waiting for her Peter Pan, to return.
Being torn between the pain you know and the pain of separation is a common issue. I think you know which direction you need to go to grow. I have faith you will get to where you need to be. Just don’t beat yourself up for longing for him. With a bit more experience you will be able to differentiate between longing for the relationship you wanted to have versus the idiot you got stuck with.
Delete it. Now. Do not read it, put it in the trash file and empty it. He is not what you need, he will continue to use and manipulate you, and it will just get worse. If it is kind, it will give you false hope, that he will later crush, and if it’s mean, you will spiral further.
You didn’t have to do anything; plenty of people are just like that, when it’s convenient for them they’ll act however they want, with little regard for anyone else. His flaws, not yours. He knows what you want to hear to keep you hanging, there’s nothing real behind it. He just likes having power over you. Don’t give in to it.
thank you. 🙁 i told him i was blocking him.