Living With Wanting To Die Everyday

Is there ever a day that can go by without this desire? I have been this way for close to a quarter of a century….that I remember. I swallowed many sleeping pills  in April of 1992. Oops, I’m still alive.

Suicide is selfish. It is crushing. People say it’s being weak. Well, that’s because life is too heavy and it’s too exhausting to carry it anymore. My burden is not your burden. Noone but myself can tell me whether I can stand it anymore or not. Noone but me can get myself up every morning and breathe.

So, people that I hear say things that dig at suicidal people or suicide in general may be unintentionally mean. Look, say I’m selfish. Is that so horrible? People are supposed to be selfish. If you weren’t selfish, why would you seek out anything pleasurable? Why would you seek out anything detrimental? Actually, selfishness is a part of basic survival. But it’s like a dig, a bad character flaw. How dare you do anything for yourself. Then, on the other hand, gosh, you better do something to take care of yourself or else you’ll suffer the consequences and not be able to be selfless for awhile.

I am being enormously selfless when I wake up everyday and breathe. I am living because there are people in my life that depend on me. What happens when they don’t need me anymore? I actually think that God will play another trick on me and put someone else in their place. I think that’s all there is. If there was nobody around, what is the point of living? I believe that is the only thing that I can focus on to keep breathing and living.

I am suicidal, but I am strong because this thing is extremely heavy and I am still carrying it. But, there’s always the option. And sometimes I wish so hard that I would break. I am so tired and stumble through that depression for awhile until I get through it. Of course, until the next time…