I thought I hit rock bottom this weekend. I could barely get out of bed, and I didn’t do ANYTHING I had to do, no work, just staying in bed and watching movies I really didn’t care about. I tried to reach out for friends, but literally none of them wanted to go out, and it made me feel worse. Rejected. I was on the edge, thoughts about suicide invading my mind and I couldn’t control my crying.
I woke up today feeling completely different. I’m not that sad anymore, just numb, as if everything I’ve been feeling for the past three days is something really distant. I’m not happy, just numb. As if I’m not caring about my sadness and loneliness anymore, I guess.
What kills me is knowing that depression comes without a warning. I can go back to being the absolute worst version of myself tomorrow or in a week and there’s no way I can control it, no way I can stop it and no way to know for how long it’ll stay this time.
Does anyone else feel something like that?
1 comment
I used to feel the same. When I was younger my mum said to remember that although it’ll always get worse again, it’ll always get better too. That was really comforting to me at the time, but now I tend to think that those of us inclined to be depressed should have precautions and, at least in my case, exercises to keep it from returning. At the moment I’m in a severe, chronic depression that I haven’t climbed my way out of yet (although I think things are starting to improve), but even when I get out of it I want to keep practicing happiness – both to keep the worst of it away in the future and make me a happier person in general. I’ve been looking at meditation, mindfulness, positive thinking, CBT etc. Based on other people’s experiences I think it could be something that we can learn to control.