not a suicide attempt

Ive posted a lot on this site and though the battle to end my life has been unsuccessful im thankful for the days i do get with my family and hope i fail this time to though i think i may succeed this time.i have something called a conversion disorder which means mental stress converted into physical symptoms so temporarily i can’t walk or move or sometimes even speak based on stress and it’s gotten worse as my suicide date comes closer i believe its a sign that i may not make it this time and that is scary yet i cant stop at least not on on my own and not without being stopped.my best friend knows my secret but shes going to let me do it shes going to let me end my life i love her so much but i hate her for that.but im not trying to kill myself this time either she knows that so it’s okay.im trying to save it.you see i have the urge to die so i figured i would try and satisfy my urge in a different way by making myself physically sick instead of killing myself by overdosing only on a certain amount of pills large enough to make me ill but not enough to kill me.i just have to not over do it to much so i wont die just be in pain