Start of my GAD

I feel for you man. Horrible experience. I was of an athletic build but still small when in school myself. Even grown I only stand about 5’10” and weigh in at 140 to 160 depending on if it’s raining or not that day 🙂 I wasn’t weak and was sure of myself, yet when it came to fighting……I was shaking like a leaf inside……I don’t know if you’d call it fear or what, cause I’ certainly wasn’t running to start trouble but if someone wanted to push it I would appear to be willing to stand my ground…..but I felt like a coward shaking like a coward inside. I was able to turn most bully situations away with presenting an attitude of I was going to square up of I had to and I was better with talking my way around it. Turn it more or less into an intellectual battle rather than fist. Most of the time that would work. One incident I can remember was on the bus and this guy just wasn’t going to back down. I was in the last seat. And he kept drawing up and acting like he was going to swing. Is try not to flinch and keep staring him down with cut eyes and continuing to talk my way through it. After a while everyone started laughing at him cause he was making himself look like an idiot. And that’s when it through him over the top and he just finally hauled off and connected pretty decent. My head just bounced back still shaking like a leaf inside I didn’t want to fight so I didn’t reply with physical manner. I made some stupid statement about peace and what not. And he just connected again. Once o tirned towards him and made another ridiculous comment about peace or something that said fighting is retarded, he hauled off and hit me two more times right is the side of my head vision blacked out for a second but I was able to keep composure and made one more comment denouncing his actions in a belittling way hoping he wasn’t able to see how rocked I really was from it……his rage was just increasing and he strayed to draw back and go again when one of his buddies grabbed his arm and told him to quit being an idiot. They got in a lil shoving then and when that simmered down everything simmered down. In the end, yes it hurt a bit and I had to deal with some bruises, but he lost respect of those that watched it all. He was the joke. Couple weeks later he actually came to me and apologized. Of course while nobody was around. I still get that shaking feeling inside over physical confrontation. I was cleaning my car out in front of my apartments I day. I was 23 at this point. Some 40 or so neighbor comes out all drunk and talking about how he sees the way I look at his girl or something. I’m thinking in my mind, that I don’t even know who your talking about and much less she would probably be twice my age like yourself and have you not actually seen who I was with at the time? Why would I care to look at anyone else? But he was persistent. And finally started to come my way with total attitude of going straight into a fist fight or something. I keep a gun under the passenger seat of my car. So as he was waking over I stopped wiping the seat down and just took the hand gun from under it and laid it down on top of my car while looking at him. I can still see his face. I have never seen someone sober up so quick or even stand up so straight. He paused in his tracks and didn’t say another word and just went straight back inside. Luckily he didn’t come out with anything of his own. And that was the end of it. Now I was half his age and far better shape. I was sober he was drunk. Easy physical fight that I know I would have been able to control and stay on top of the fight, but I still was overcome with shaking inside that I really don’t think people notice. I just don’t like physical confrontation. I hate it. And it when it’s foolishly insited.