Sitting at work and having it hit me, how can I be so disgusting, so gross, so untouchable? Just thinking of things I can’t really get in to here, but of course it concerns the guy I love. Why’d he ask me long ago if I could be friends with benefits if the thought of the slightest touch of me is so gross and disgusting? And why in the hell do I have to be the ugliest person in the world? Why couldn’t it be someone else?!! What the fuck did I do to deserve being so fucking gross and ugly?!?
But also, I think I have to mention that it’s true, about that guy on facebook that we met at the concert. He is dead, and seems like he killed himself though no one has directly said that. I still wonder if it’s connected to being outed by the older man he was dating? I’d like to know, but since I don’t know him that well at all and no one’s saying what’s up, I won’t ask.
Third, I’m in a shit ton of pain worse than ever before and I don’t know wtf is up. My feet (especially the left) hurt all over the entire bottom, like a heel spur but all over. My knees feel like they’re going to break in half any second. My thighs are so tight, tense and locked up solid I can’t move. I’m going to need a wheelchair! I’m even getting some pain in my arms and elbows but not nearly as bad. I guess it could be worsening nerve damage since no one will do shit for my back.
And I forget what else I had to say…
8 comments
I hope to God it isn’t getting worse.
That guy would *never* have said that if he thought you were gross or disgusting. And you’re not.
But he says no in a tone that says I’m too gross when I ask anything even jokingly.
But he asked if you’d be friends with benefits? Or did I read that wrong?
Yes but nothing has happened of that nature and he acts disgusted.
It kinda sounds like he’s kidding around with it. I hope he is. Hope he wakes up to what’s right there in front of him. Good luck, you.
Disguise,
You’re far from the most ugly person in the world. You need to work on getting yourself some self confidence and self-esteem, cuz this ‘I’m ugly and gross’ stuff? No. You need to stop that, sincerely. And I will keep repeating that until you start looking at yourself with love.
If it was suicide, there would have been more than just one reason for why he did it. Ask anyway if you want to.
I’m sorry you’re in pain physically, that sounds like it’s really bad.
Are you able to visit a chiropractor?
I second what raza said above, some chiropractors are able to make miracles. Heard about a few people that got saved from surgery when several traumatologists had given up (can’t be too specific about it).