My life is defined by fear. It is always there, at the back of my mind. It’s hard to live with. A part of you always telling you that something is terribly wrong, and you need to drop everything, this instant, to resolve the threat.
What am I so afraid of? There’s all the normal stuff, of course. Death, aging, disease, violence. But beyond that, I’m afraid that I can never experience a meaningful relationship, or really connect with anyone. That my life will always be this empty lie, trying to hide how worthless I am from those around me. Never facing the world honestly, or able to look at myself in the mirror.
I can’t think of any plan or action that can prevent this feared outcome. There’s nothing that would seem to make who I am acceptable to others.
The sensible response would be to move on, and try to find meaning alone. But my fear keeps dragging me back, insisting that some solution be found. It’s both paralyzing and pointless. It exhausts me, consuming all my energy, and limiting my ability to do anything actually productive.
7 comments
Every one has fear and everything affect the world we live in. Fear shows us what we dont want to face and what can be changed. Change is something that causes fear. Maybe i dont know; maybe you should look at your fear analyze them and change them to something you wont fear. Maybe your asking the wrong questions and answering the things that makes you scared when you should try to make yourself be courageous.
If this happens alot its because it a spiral we all go through it and we all take it in differently. I deal with my own demons and i dont want to face them but we must even if it changes us even. That might be the fear.
Fearing something doesn’t mean it can be changed – only that a part of us wishes to avoid it. Fear is not the same as thought – it is not rational or analytical – it is not chosen. It comes from a more primal part of the brain. I have tried to make myself courageous. I do so every time I leave the house. It is exhausting, and draining, and it consumes my life.
will it make u feel not alone if i told you that i am afraid too?i am terrorized, bullied in school, the streets, my home, anywhere i go. I look cowardly and i never, not once in my life spoke out for myself. i look like the perfect person to push around and this is exactly what i get. i have no courage to live. i wish you a great life.
Yes! This sounds like something I wrote myself. I can totally understand what you’re feeling. When I used to try the online dating sites, I’d sit forever trying to describe myself in a way that makes me look like a normal person and still be truthful about it. I just feel so very sub-par compared to everyone else. I hope we both find ways to get past all these fears.
Yes dating sites:
young at heart individual with quiet and loud times seeks like minded human being for long rants, table fires and a thrown wine bottle. Must drool only on Tuesdays. No BLT H8ters allowed.
xoxo: when I was 11 I hid in a sink cabinet for 2 hours at school because two of the class bullies were looking to beat the living shit out of me because I was poor, skinny and wearing hand me down clothing. Not one teacher knew.
It gets better though. You can make it better. I’m proof that the bullies and haters that make you miserable when you are the most vulnerable don’t typically make much of themselves. Us losers go on to build something substantial though, even through the dark miserable times you are still head and shoulders above any person who bullies another human being.
I’m just petty enough to look them up on FB and gloat at their misfortune. Which is awful and petty. And I almost feel guilty about it, until I think about the 2 hours I spent in total fear under that 6th grade classroom sink, then I think, Nah I’m good.
I promise it gets better.
You are right, my momma would make a lot of herself if she was a commando in an army, for she is always stiff, angry, yelling, punishing, ridiculing etc etc but unfortunately she has no job ambition. This is proof.