I live in a shitty town in an even shittier country. Every person my age (Im 22) either has a baby or 2 or 3…, heavy drug users (some street made drug called Whoonga), school dropout, etc etc.
I powered through my depression and finished high school the best student in my school and enrolled in medical school. Next year will be my final year. It has been tough. I have worked hard, powered through so many suicidal thoughts and had so many family problems.
People standing on the outside looking in think it has all been easy.
An entire family of supposed Christians started bullying me. Very close neighbours. My father told me to turn the other cheek. But it got worse. They started beating me up just to up the abuse a little. If not me, then my sisters. During the week, the bastards would be putting me and my family through hell, and on Sunday they’d be at church, preaching shit.
My brother had enough when I came home from yet another beating. He came to my rescue, and they stabbed him. He almost died. He defended me most of the time. Then I guess they saw him as the bigger threat.
In April this year, after Easter weekend… A week after the dumb fucks had some Christian gathering, they attacked my brother in broad daylight at my home and killed him right in front me. They butchered him like a fucking animal… It was 5 days after his 30th birthday.
*deep breath in*
I hate them. If anything, I want to see them dead. They are still walking free.
Im always angry all the time. I cant get over the guilt. He died because of me. He was defending me, thats why they killed him.
I will never forgive them, nor will I ever forget. How can I, when day in day out I am haunted by the images of my brother laying there, dead, with wide open gashes on the back of his head and over 20 stab and cut wounds on his back.
I’ll only find peace when I see them suffering as well.
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I wish I could type something more meaningful, but I don’t know what to say. Reading this post made me cry a bit… My sisters are so important to me, I don’t know how I’d feel in your situation. I am so sorry for your loss.
Love and light.
It is a dark path.
I can say I understand where you are coming from.
…
My actions… I feel guilt over my choices.
And I carry great anger in me for a very specific person who wronged me the most. Really, I have carried anger with me my whole life. It is a part of me, I am used to it. I know I should face it and take control of it… Mostly I vent it on myself. It’s… safer in a way. I am haunted by my own memories.
I know the exact way I would hurt him.
I am struggling with that concept of forgiveness. Apparently it doesn’t mean forgetting. And it is an act that would be for my benefit, not his.
But this hate… it is to an extent useless. It will do nothing but consume me, leave nothing good in its stead. Righteous anger does exist, and does have a place.
But vengeful rage… What will you have left at the end of it? A hollow satisfaction. It will not bring your brother back, who you should not have lost in the first place. It will probably render the things you have struggled so hard for as useless…
And what of their revenge? When one of their number suffers, do you not think they will bring more retribution?
He was your older brother, and he loved you. That is why he stood up for you. It wasn’t your fault that your neighbors are self-righteous supposedly pious… you know the other adjectives.
In your place… I am unsure of what course I would take, if they are still your or your family’s neighbors, and still giving torment. I doubt they will stop unless they are stopped. And they have already shown their boldness, and escalated…
Please, take careful consideration. Don’t let your rage cloud your judgement. Regardless of action, you will need a clear head.
You have my sincere condolences for your loss.
Where do you live? And about these Christians, believe me or not but not everyone who goes to church and was baptized is Christian. They are just evil people who should be penalised. And I hope that they will. I’m personally not Christian in even one inch of my body except the fact that I was baptised, so I am not taking anyone’s side here. I’m just saying that Christian teachings are far away from that shit your neighbours did. I’m sorry for everything that happened to you. Can you seek your justice in your country?
Thank you for your kind words.
The case will be in court next year. Im dreading the moment it starts. I’ll be glad if I make it through it. And, if they dont walk free, 5 years maximum is how long I see them behind bars. And they’ll be back to tormenting us again.
South African justice system is fucked up. Just look at the Oscar Pistorious case, if you know him.
@Ylem, I would write to foreign newspapers if I were you. You have a great chance of getting this case further than your country does. In Poland, where I live, they would mostly likely spend their entire live in jail or at least 25y. Lots of love to you.
Ylem, I too am so sorry for your loss. X pretty much covered everything I wanted to say. Try not to let your rage consume you; you will need to keep your clarity, and your sanity. But I also don’t think you should let your rage go. Keep it inside you; you live in a dangerous place, it seems. Your rage may save you one day, if you use it well.
It may not be my place to say this, but I think the best thing you can do for your brother is hold onto that rage, and remember him, and go forward with your own life. Your own education. Keep working hard, and protect yourself. And try to get out of that country.
One thing I can say for sure. You need to look out for yourself right now, above all others. Be selfish. Think of no one else. If you offer help to others, do so to gain a tactical advantage. Do you have a way to physically defend yourself, if those people try to attack you?
Im keeping the Rage no doubt. I just need to keep it under control thats all. Its just been hard these past few days. I thought if I shared this with someone other than the people who already know about it, I’ll feel better. Im starting to feel better, so thank you.
My sisters and I have thought about taking some self defence classes. Just havent had the time.
As for leaving this country… I doubt that is even a possibility. We can move away from here but not right away either.
Keep the rage and channel it into living well in your brother’s honor. There is a Chinese saying that revenge is a dish best served cold. I interpret this as meaning that I live well and my revenge on the people who did unspeakable things to me are left far behind. Mired in their sad lives chasing their tails around while I live well, loving my family and just finding peace.
Live well for your brother, live well for your family. If you can get everyone out of there and find a place to live where the kind of violence that seems commonplace does not exists. Surely there are places in South Africa that are decent? It has come a long way over the past 20 years, not a perfect place to live and it still has a lot of growing to do.
I also believe in righteous rage. That is one level over righteous anger and is sustainable for short periods. It is what got me through my last semester of college. And a few other things.
I don’t pretend to understand the level of rage you are experiencing, surely it is not sustainable unless it gets channeled into something that will further your life and the life of your family.