Fuck my life….
I know it sounds very cliche. I know everyone says it all the time.
I super hate myself right now.
I can’t believe that depression is ruling over me.
I feel like my conscience is trapped somewhere in my mind.
Illogical feeling rules my body.
I used to think that I can overcome any obstacles. Little did I know, I was super naive. When my freedom has been taken away from me, I broke….
like a fragile glass being smashed to pieces.
My dad passed away in March. He left so many unfinished business and also a huge sum of debts. I was chosen to be the one who continues his job in a foundation that he and his friends established. I had to quit my design job and move back home. The nightmares start here…….
I had a massive reversed culture shock. I haven’t been living in my country for almost half of my life! I was away from home at the age of 15!
I was happier when I live with myself. Moving back home with my mum has been a struggle. We don’t really connect. I was a daddy’s girl. I was closer to my dad. We were so similar. Oh gosh, I really miss him …..
Anyway, to make the story short, I suck at my job. I feel like I was forced to do something that I’m not good at. It was like a huge life change for me. I had way more responsibilities. The society kept on pressuring me. I became their scapegoat. I’m so sick and tired of everyone.
I wanna live my own life! I feel like my freedom has been taken from me.
I started blaming my dad for everything. It’s useless because he is no longer here. I could feel myself is giving in to depression……..it’s like a spiral downwards…..I can’t get out from my bed most of the time.
I can’t concentrate and focus on my work. I procrastinate a lot.
I skipped work. I have suicidal thoughts everyday.
I also wish I can die straight away. Sometimes I wonder if the other version of me in a parallel universe is doing way better than me.
6 comments
why can’t you just leave. I have one trip on the earth. sometimes I just leave.
Is there any one else in the family that can continue your father’s job in the foundation? Maybe a cousin or brother that would enjoy it a bit and you would be able to go back to your own life.
At the moment no one is willing to replace my position. I’m so desperate though. I really want to get away from this job. My dad’s friends told me to stay in this job for 2 years. I can’t wait that long! 🙁
So sorry you lost your dad! I don’t think he would have wanted you to be sucked into a whirling vortex of negativity in his name. You need to walk away from it all. Someone else can deal with the paperwork. What is going on right now is killing you. Don’t let a task you weren’t trained to do push you into dark spaces. Part of adulthood is setting boundaries. Be good to yourself by respecting them.
Thank you for your comment. Yup, I really do need to walk away from this job. I’ve been thinking to travel for a month or two. I need to clear up my mind. Hopefully I can quit my job soon otherwise I don’t know how low my depression is gonna go 🙁
Sorry for your lost.
If I am you, I will go back to my life, to the job you like to do. I am pretty sure your dad would be happy to know that you are happy. Try to find a person interested in continue your father legacy. You have choices. Take Care.