I always feel like there is something missing

I really wanted to comment on this because although she was never sure I was a twin, my mum had some problems in her pregnancy and everything she read suggested that she’d lost the baby, but I survived. When I was little I drew a picture of myself with a twin. I used to be really interested in twins or twin characters and draw them and write about them lots. And once I asked her if I’d ever had one. She’s almost certain, but of course it’s one of those things no one will really ever know. But I’m sure I was too. And it can certainly make you feel lost. A while ago someone I know was talking about loving twins and always being interested in them, and I asked her if she’d ever had one, because I heard someone say once that people who are interested in twins usually are twins, or had one at the beginning. She didn’t know, but when I started talking about feeling like I should have been one, she said, “Like a missing limb.” So I think she understood it.

That particular “missing” feeling isn’t responsible for everything you feel though. If you’re depressed and you think about suicide, then that will account for most of that emptiness.

I’ve also always wanted to adopt children someday – since I was a child. I wouldn’t rely on having children as a way to fill your soul. I think trying to rely on anyone to do that is really dangerous. Of course a child would bring you incredible joy, but they could also bring pain at times, and if you’re still unstable then you could find that a lot harder to deal with. That emptiness, those tears, that feeling that your life doesn’t have meaning and you’re worth nothing… that sounds like depression. It’s an illness and no external person in your life, even a child, can be guaranteed to cure you of it. My ex said when he had his son, it gave his life new meaning. But years later he still had a lot of those feelings, to the point that it wouldn’t have been a surprise at times if I’d found out he’d died. But there are other ways to cure those feelings. That should be the first thing you do – work on curing the depression and finding happiness again, learning to accept and love yourself and growing a bit older with more experiences, and when you’re confident with yourself the way you are (and that you can stay that way), then you’ll be in a perfect place to raise the children you’ve always dreamed about. You know it’ll be some time away anyway before you can adopt children, so you should be using this time to learn about yourself and how to light up the darkness. Keep searching and you’ll find ways you can get started on it now.