maybe life isn’t made for someone like me

i feel completely empty like i have gave up on bothering to even stay alive anymore because i just cannot find a purpose to try anymore on getting better, i just want to be dead i want the pain to suddenly stop and for all the problems to suddenly disappear and then people will realize how desperate i was and that i just couldn’t fight anymore. i am fifteen years old and clinically diagnosed with depression and social anxiety, and every single day i am made to get on with all my problems and try and constantly fight my own battles by myself.

when i was five my mum and dad got divorced when my dad had a affair, but it was pretty discreet. when i was little my dad had a temper and he did hit me and my sister a lot when we was really little and he use to always have fights with my mum and my dad use to throw things and her and he verbally use to abuse her, he walked out when my mum found out about the affair after me and my sister and dad came home from my nans bonfire night party and thats when it got serious he threw coat hangers at my mum a whole load of them and stormed out and threatened to snatch me and my sister from her, when i was little i remember going to loads of different womens houses that my dad was seeing and it was different each time till my dad stop coming for a while, but he is different now he is nothing like he use to be.

but its my life now, my mum did start seeing a man and they was married in 2007 and it was okay the two years when she first met him he spoil my mum and obviously me and my sister with trips to america and loads of presents we could have wanted but it was just after they was married it all started to change, he slightly changed and became more horrible and more stricter, but around 2009 and 2010 he usually would hit me and my sister, he would hit us a lot actually when his temper was flared up over the little of things and its all the bad memories i can remember, and me and my sister would cry in our room, i use to go into primary school and sob to my friends in the morning when he would usually be horrible and tell them that he hit me but it wasn’t as bad as it would be now, he and my mum did have a son around the time they was married and now he is just this horrible fucking person.

his son acts the way he does he is only eight years old and he overly eats (i cant say much actually but he has got a eating disorder they say but he doesnt eat normal things like fruit or proper homecooked meals) he eats mcdonalds a lot loads of burgers and nuggets, or chocolate buttons a big packet and kinder eggs. whenever he would like them thats all he ever asks for when i come home from school and ask what we are having for dinner he has already picked that he wants mcdonalds, and he hits me and my sister just like my stepdad does, and my brother would usually pinch mine or my sisters bum or squeeze our top parts, and when we try to tell our mum she doesnt care or doesnt rarely tell him off because he is her favourite and he gets spoiled all the time with toys whenever he wants and he calls me and my sister horrible things and tells us that our mum would rather we left her and him and my step dad alone to live without us and be happy.

my mum has turned into my step dad too, she has a really bad temper and will hit us or verbally abuse us like our ste dad does nowadays, he tells us we will never achieve in life and we will spend the rest of our days working in mcdonalds, he scoffs and laughs when we try to talk to our mum or he slams our bedroom door so he cant hear us talk because he would rather it be the three of them compared to the five of us, or tells us a lot that our mum doesnt want us anymore, my mum just lets him do it, she would usually watch him hit us and tell me and my sister that we deserved it or tells us that we aren’t wanted and we should go live somewhere else and usually that anyday she would pick him over us, she digs her nails into us till we have marks and so does he, he does it till you can see a little bit of blood forming in the holes of the nails that was digged into our skin, or he would pin us down to our beds and hit us and i know i can remember my sister screaming and i yanking him off of her and screaming that i will stab him if he touches me and my sister ever again or when he does it to me and i scream for megans help.

it would of only of been now and last year when i decided enough was now enough, i would hit him back when he hit me and my sister and i would let him feel the pain he put me and my sister through when he hit us and left us in our room crying to each other trying to find other places to go to get away from him, and he tries to hit me he knows i wont ever let him touch me again because i will do something about it, it would never be tell anyone because i tried to and he has got my mum as a backup to defend him to all the doctors i tell or anyone i cry out for for help and she tells them all i am is a liar and nothing i tell is true, and my sister is at the age where she can leave home and she doesnt want to be apart of it when i tell, she will be gone soon and i will have to do it by myself, but as a person with depression and anxiety, and people call me a compulsive liar all the time, being called a liar by my own mother. breaks my heart, even when some times she doesnt see the times when it is bad and he hits us.

it started in 2013 in june when i thought about dying, i saw pictures of cuts and blood and blades, pictures of hands with pills in them covering the entire palm, 0r a rope tightly against a person neck as their legs dangle, and i always saw the posts people put about feeling alone and wanting to die, and i felt selfish that i could wish to be dead when people have gone through more, i didn’t really know a lot about self harm or suicide but i use to use compasses that i stole from my school or ones i found in my sisters pencil case or my own and i use to drag it on my arms and there use to be pink lines and little dots of blood and that was it, they wasn’t there forever but i liked to see them a lot while i hid them in black long sleeve tops, i always thought that was what happened but i never knew about the deepness of it or slitting my wrists or anything like that, it was one time in august when i took off my cardigan to run in a water sprinkler with my step cousins and thats when people noticed my self harm when it started to become little faint lines of blood on my pink formed cuts on my arms and i use to cut a lot or read and watch suicide things and cry to sad music a lot and i grew irritated to a lot of things just like i do nowadays, but then and now i have my temper when i lash out and scream, break things or punch the walls and hit people back.

2014 started to get more worse when the start i accidentally cut myself with a razor blade and i spent days breaking into them and getting the blades out and then more blood started t0 come out so i used it that way on my arms and tried my best to hide it but my mistake showed my ex best friend and then more people slowly tended to find out and people know me as suicide kid, and in the start of september i thought i had, had enough of being alive so i took a overdose in school at lunch and my old best friend at the time saw me and i layed in her lap and cried for a while when other girls just wanted the gossip and started to shout in my face about how many pills i took and how pathetic i was and i went to class later on that day and they pulled me out, a police woman and a safeguard who was also a deputy head and i had to give them pills and my mother and nan came down to the school and they cried a lot and they didn’t understand what had happened

after so many times my letter got rejected for child adolescent mental health, my attempt of suicide and i had therapy and i never felt like people understood the problems i told them or when i told them sometimes there wasn’t a reason for me to wish that i wanted to kill myself so badly but just because i wanted to not be here for anymore pain, and i have been with them for a year now and three months and nowadays they barely see me, they always cancel my appointments or not tell us when my next appointment was but when i first started going i saw them a lot, and now at the worst time today they dont even bother to try because they know there is no point saving someone like me, and there is nothing they can do to even help me because i am at the stage in my life when i wanna kill myself and it all be over so i dont even put in the effort to help myself either.

i met someone in 2013 though in june for a project for niall horans birthday when i made a sign with a few other fans to create a video to send him a happy birthday, and i met her after it was over and we spoke every single day she was someone who left me because i made too many terrible decisions, she was once my best friend, when school was tough she use to message me during lesson’s to make sure i was okay, to keep my suicidal thought’s out of my head, i did lose her and i feel like i ruined everything because she no longer talk’s to me and i lost so much because i felt like i had nobody who gave a damn about me as much as her, i always put myself first when i shouldn’t of and i should’ve made sure she was okay, but i didn’t i made her sort my problems out, i was alway’s suicidal and all the time i use to talk about death and i use to be so low about myself, i use to worry her so much but she left because she couldn’t cope with me and she struggled herself with mental health issue’s, she told me it was because she has issue’s and her own life to worry about but i still think it was because i ruined her life by taking someone away from her when i should’ve stayed straight away, she took herself straight out of my life because i ruined hers, she was my best friend and the only person who stuck around for so long, she had only been around for a year and a couple of months i even kept alive for a year because she was my last chance and if i lost her i would alone, and i did and now i am alone because i have nobody who care’s about me anymore, she got one of her friends who was a guy and obviously i would never talk to boys because i was not the type boys would like, and he told me he liked me and asked me out and i said yes and i felt so shocked that someone liked me and i felt so happy to have someone to love me, and she loved him too and i didnt know till he asked me out that night and she suddenly drifted off but i was so in love with being loved by someone who wanted me and loved me for even how fucked up i became, but now i just wished if i could take it back i could, nobody ever understand’s what it’s like to of lost someone who helped you through everything since day one when i started to self harm, and the reason i never felt so alone because i had her, and i use to practically beg her not to leave me because i didn’t want to be alone, but then she did leave and i had never felt so alone and felt so hated by somebody who actually cared about me and i just threw it all away.

of course they was both from a different country and i always had plans to meet her but then when her friend started to talk to me in 2014 in june, i felt happy, i didn’t feel shy i just had the butterflies, and when i got asked out in that blink of a second i said yes because it never had happened to me and i was shocked that someone thought i was beautiful and told me that they liked me even when i was fucked up in the head, and it was all good for the while, i would tell him ll my problem’s to him and i trusted him, he was someone that spoke to me everyday and distracted me from my problem’s and stopped the sucidal thought’s coming into my head, i felt like there was a chance to be happy and stop and i did i stopped self harming for a while he was reason that even when i felt alone at school and i felt like dying he was there to be excited over who played in my mind and i use to tell everyone about him and how happy i was, but it was in august when he suddenly disappeared, i kept messaging and nothing went through and it was a week after my overdose in school he was suddenly back and he was in a accident but he was different, more cold towards me, didn’t want to talk to me, he wasn’t interested in my problems, talking to other people it was even when he told me my mental health problem’s are disturbing and self harming is disgusting to him, and i cut him in my stomach thats when i started to cut on my belly and and breast when i got in trouble about my arms, i carved his name into my stomach in big writing in the bath two days before my birthday when it was bleeding and my nan was knocking on the door in the bathroom and i was trying to act like i was okay, and i didn’t want to lose him so i would’ve of done anything, and i did. he teased a lot when things was slightly going out of hand and imitate when he wanted photos of me nude and i did do it because i didnt want to lose that one person that loved me and it was the first time someone had loved me back, i could’ve said no. i should have but i didnt because if i said no he would’ve stopped loving me like he use to, he left on my birthday and made me feel like i had nothing else to live for because i lost my best friend over him and it felt like i had completely fucked up everything because i choose something i should’ve known wouldn’t of lasted forever, he left me with nothing because he couldn’t deal with me and he thought i was disturbing and my scar of him was disgusting and weird.

on my birthday was when it happened, my old best friend who layed my head in her lap. she found out that i had carved his name into my stomach and she wanted to blame him for it and for everything he did because she thought he was the reason i tried to kill myself, and she knew about the nude things when i wasnt so sure about them, when i was talking to him she saw and she knew who i was talking to and went and told my nan and my auntie who got more people involved and took my devices away from me and told me i was never to speak to him and they said he was a bad person, but he wasn’t i loved him. i love him now. and i hated her for that, she made me stop talking to someone who loved me and who i loved back. but when i self harmed badly i was taken to hospital on the evening of my birthday and they was gonna send me away but they didnt, looking back at it i just wish they did, i thought i lost the greatest person to me, when i think about this day and i read what i type now, people who will read this will think i’m ridiculous i shut my old best friend out and turned her away and hated her when she just wanted the best thing for me, and i was stupid not to see that, but i was in love with someone who wanted me back and i thought wanted to be with me, but later on when i told him that evening at midnight, he dumped me and left me.

i got more suicidal after that, began to cut myself even more, lost the confidence he made me have, lost the people who cared mostly about me, began to get hit more. felt more alone and he came back in march and we spoke and we decided to get back together, FROM THIS DAY FORWARD i am still dating him and i feel miserable, nobody knows beside from a very trusted friend and me that we are back together and i dont want to lose him again, but he hasn’t really spoken to me, its as if he speaks to me on days when there is nobody else to talk to, it doesn’t feel like we are together we barely talk and are distant, of course different country thing and he is in college and GCSE has started for me and i’m so fucking stressed, but he talks to other girls, and i just think nowadays, what did i do. what the fuck have i done.

when i use to go to school i was put in a unit with girls with other problems like mine, some had babies and some had anger issues badly and i was bullied in there too and made fun off for being depressed and they was all older so i was a outcast and the stupid depressing girl in there, but seeing them with their babies and talk about how happy they are now, i was so jealous of them i wanted their life. i wanted a babu. i still do. i want to have a baby, i wish there was a way to be pregnant and have a baby, because i am so alone from having no friends anyway and i have someone who will love me like i love them and protect and never let them go through the same experiences i go through, i would have a responsibility to look after another life, to take care of and get rid of the suicidal thoughts and focus of loving someone, its not like i have anything to do with my life anymore.

nobody actually understand’s how alone i feel and how everyone just leave’s me and abandons me like i was nothing to them, i was called too depressing or made fun of for my apperance, i stopped bothering with makeup and i comfort eat and i still do now and i have gained so much, and i’m this little fat lonely fucking depressing suicidal girl everyone leaves alone at school because nobody wants to care or help me, i use to have friends when they all suddenly went and walked out of my life and wish i was dead and questioned why i was still here when i want to just kill myself, with my social anxiety all i ever do is stay inside my house and lay in bed everyday and feel alone, i dont have a problem with having no friends but at school is a major problem, at lunch i stand near a group that said i could stay there but they dont really talk to me i sit far apart from them as they carry on in their conversations and make fun of me, and i’m so paranoid that i know and i can tell they are talking about me, but the safeguards lie about me to my mum saying that its butterflies and rainbows in school, i’m always smiling in school with my best friends but i sit with a group that exclude me just so i don’t have to feel alone or walk around the school and be judged more as the suicidal girl with no friends anymore, its funny how much its changed, in year seven i thought i was gonna be okay i didn’t even think about being sad, i was this perky girl who was weird and always excited and positive and stubborn and tried to be popular, but when bully went on, my self esteem dropped and i slowly became sad and self harmed and till now and the end of year nine everything was a suddenly train wreck and i barely went to school but i’m in school full day and i cant cope with the crowds, i self harm in the toilets, i traunt, i cry all the time and i think about dying, i usually have this dream about getting everyone out of the school yard and watch me fall off the school roof and watch me slowly die in a pool of blood as everyone screams and realizes that was it, that was how desperate i was for calling out for help. nobody cares about me in school, not even the safeguards nowadays they let me self harm and traunt lessons and dont care about my constant suicide school roof dream and have left me to deal with it all by myself because they dont know how else to help me now, and all the friends i use to have, hate me they all look at me and laugh at how bad i have gotten and think i should go and kill myself because i am living for no reason at all anymore, i walk around school with fuck all friends, no self esteem, wanting to commit suicide and having so many thoughts on plans.

i still get hit and one time the incident with my stepdad became serious he hit me really hard and i hit him back i kept hitting him to get him away from me and kicked him in the crotch when he pushed me in a corner and hit me constantly, i screamed for help and my sister came out of the bathroom and tried to get him away from me and so did my step brother who pushed him away, and from that incident, i have never hated him and wished him so much karma then i could, my dad got involved and social services, but who the fuck knows what they are even doing about it, because when my stepdad lied to everyone saying he doesnt believe in children get hit and beaten and that he would never, and we watch him lie, and when our mother backs him up to make me out to be the liar, and nobody believes me, what the fuck do i do mum? what do you want me to do when he punches me badly, are you still gonna tell me i deserved it? tell me to fuck off, tell me i am a liar to doctors faces, make me out to lie every single day, tell me i’m a psycho ***** and i need locking up like you do and my sister do do, leave me to cope by myself like you do every single day?

i self harm quite deeply nowadays and i like to burn my stomach and arms and i like to comfort eat and lay in bed and never have to step outside of my house or bother with friends that i dont have. i am fat and ugly and i have no self esteem, because whats the point on working for a figure when i destroy it with small red circles of burns and lines of straight and horizontal lines of self harm cuts, or school, why do i go when i just wanna die, why do i need a education when i am gonna be dead next year or even this year maybe? why are we still trying. i use to cry out to people and tell them im gonna do it, but i look back and i think that i was being ridiculous, i had friends who may of not liked me but put up with me and i had help, but now i have nothing and i realize i cried out for help at the wrongs times and i cried for help when i didnt actually need it, i use up all the help i cried out for then than now when i am at the urge of killing myself and there is no more help i can cry out for because nobody wants to help anymore, my parents deserve a better daughter who isn’t as worthless as me and can make them proud and also so they dont have to worry about their child self harming or having to take anti depressant because they are so selfish and wanna die, because they tell me i’m being stupid when i tell my mum i wanna no longer be here or that i’m pathetic for wanting to commit suicide but puts on a show at therapy saying how she doesnt want me to leave her when she knows and i know that one trigger and it will be it, because i have coped for a while and now i cannot do it anymore, i just no longer cannot be helped anymore.

they don’t know if i will be gone very soon, and they don’t believe i will but i have had enough of living, and i just now full on want to kill myself and get over the times i fucking was ridiculous and called it the dark path in my life, but this now, its it. they don’t think i will kill myself, tomorrow or tonight, in school, or out, but just they watch, because i am now in the state of mind when i dont sleep, i plan my suicide, i plan my funeral i plan everything. i’m so desperate for peace and for the pain to stop, that its time to leave everything behind, and do what only i can do to make it stop, is show them how desperate i was crying for help and showing them this is what has happened and how much i couldn’t do it anymore.