I used to post here a lot, about a year and a half ago. I was hopeless and wanted everything to end so bad. I hoped and prayed everyday for things to get better and did everything I could to make it happen. I came here to not feel so alone.
And things did get better. It took a while but all my wishes came true and I finally got the happiness I had been seeking for so long.
It was all because of a guy I was in love with and was waiting for him to come back to me. He finally did and he proposed. We’ve only been married two months and he is leaving me.
He didn’t understand being newly married is hard. He didn’t understand that I needed support, patience, and time to heal from trauma. He became cold and distant and I had to beg him to be there for me. He has a severe mental illness that I knew about going in to this and I vowed to stand strong with him through it. I think this is stemming from that illness but nothing will change his mind. He won’t try and I am willing to do anything and everything for him. I wish I could write more about all this, but I just don’t have it in me.
I know I can’t live without him. I can’t live with the pain, suffering, and humiliation. Either tonight or tomorrow I am ending my life and I am getting everything prepared for it. I know this is what I want.
I’m posting here because I just need to put this out there. I need something out there to prove I existed. Because I feel this is a safe place.
7 comments
You kind of set a trap for yourself to ensure you’d be suicidal and bring yourself to the point that you’re at right now. Going into this, you knew he had a mental illness which would eventually make him leave you, yet you still proceeded to marry him.
This is kind of like driving your car with a spare tire than you know you can’t exceed driving 50 mph, but you do it any and the tire bursts on you because you went over it’s limit.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to put you down or blame you for the situation. But trying to help you realize that you put your faith in something that you knew in advance couldn’t be relied on or trusted, like this guy you married.
The answer to this outcome imo is not suicide but to find someone who can be there for you and help you recover from your trauma-whatever it is. It’d be better if you could have the company of a trustworthy friend or family member to help you out.
Having a partner isn’t always the best route to take-sometimes there is no happily ever after, sometimes you’re stuck with a bad person who screws you over after. I think you should let this man go and find someone better.
First thing is you are not alone.
What was your like before you met him?
Edit: What was your life like before you met him?
You leave your happiness to other people. Be it your husband’s love, or how other people perceive you. You mentioned about humiliation… Nobody is judging you, you are actually making it hard yourself. Talk to people, talk to them about your problem, open up, and you’ll find a listener. You’ll feel better. Love is nice, but don’t let love run your life. Love yourself. I hope it all turn out well.
I could easily be wrong, but it sounds like you rushed into marriage really hastily because he was making you happy. Did any of those issues – his illness or your issues – come up before you were married, or has it been very sudden? It’s completely understandable, given that he made you happy after you’d been going through such a bad time.
You can live without him. You only feel like you can’t because you’ve been relying on him and this is a big crash down. Relying on another person to keep you from being hopeless is always risky, because it so often ends this way.
But your life doesn’t have to end here. He gave you what still could be considered a gift: the knowledge that things did get better and you were able to feel happy again. You could learn how to make it happen by yourself and with the support of more people next time, so you’re not relying on one person that way.
Whatever you choose to do I hope you’ll find peace and happiness again.
Hi Holly Lion,
I was standing right where you are 6 years ago. I’m still around. It feels like the end, how do I know it feels like the end of your life. But you can do this. You cam back here, you already know how supportive this forum is. How wonderful these people are. Stick around and talk to us some. You can always kill yourself tomorrow, or Friday. No harm right?