The time when I want to die the most is when I think about my friend MC. He kissed me twice, over a year ago, and I’m still so silently, painfully, in love with him over those unexpected kisses. They were unlike any experience I’ve ever had; I felt totally connected to him and complete within myself.
Now he’s getting married to someone else and we barely speak, and my marriage is falling apart for reasons other than MC.
The resulting depression is overwhelming and unbearable.
I keep searching from tarot cards to God to understand why I can’t get over MC, and every time the answer is simply ‘MC is not for you’. But so deep in my heart I simply cannot accept that those emotions were for nothing and we aren’t somehow meant to be together. In these lowest moments I used to pray and beg to the Universe for answers, now I pray for a miracle.
And every night for the past year when I go to bed I simply pray, defeatedly, that I never wake up.
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I know the pain is unbearable. Hope you get what you are looking for.
And if you can’t. Then at least you get the strength to bear.
Sorry if these questions are nosy. Don’t feel you have to answer. What happened after your friend kissed you? Were you already with other people? Was your marriage already falling apart? Maybe you needed to feel that way about someone, and in this case it could have been the wrong person at the wrong time. If you’ve having unrelated problems, it’s probably making this harder to get through than it might be otherwise. I’m sorry it’s so overwhelming. I know you must think of him a lot, but it might be helpful to try to focus on the other problems you’re experiencing.
I don’t mind you asking. In fact, I appreciate your interest and caring.
Nothing “happened” between us after we kissed. We were both dealing with some pretty major stuff in our lives so we simply continued to be each other’s support. Right now MC and I remain friends, well more like acquaintances, for now. But I see it slipping away. We were then, and still are, with other people. I have been married for years and he has been living for years with the woman he’s now engaged to. No, my marriage wasn’t falling apart at the time, but MC unknowingly made me realize I had “settled” when I married my spouse and it’s devastated me. The issues in my marriage go back way further than MC; my spouse and I are both so unhappy and lonely as a result.
In the past 2 years I’ve lost my family through death and estrangement, I’ve lost my job and career, I’ve lost the close friendship and support I had with MC (who helped me deal with the loss of my family), and now my marriage is fading away. I have so little left and the depression makes it so hard to cope with the losses and grief. I don’t know where to start in crawling out of this hole.
I don’t believe he was the wrong person at the wrong time. He is the only person (besides my husband) in over 20 years that I trust and feel safe with. I could talk to him about anything. We knew each other for a couple of years before the kisses. We then became closer friends at a time when we both needed support and compassion. That his kisses and my resulting feelings were so unexpected felt like a sign that my life had turned a corner and was getting better; that all the sacrifices and loss in my life had lead to this “reward” – that someone very, very special loved me. Would we be friends? Lovers? Mates? I didn’t know or care as long as he loved me and continued to care about me.
What I see happening is that the better his life gets the more he’s pulling away from me and moving on. Worse, his life just seems to get better while mine gets worse. He gets a new job while I lose mine. He gets married while I see my marriage deteriorate. I feel like we were once together on an island of compassion and support and now I’m standing alone still trying to piece together a raft while he’s built his and is sailing away. I’m watching him sail happily out to sea without me, without his even glancing back, and it’s devastating. I still need his help so much which is probably why I can’t let go of him.
So I think of him, and those kisses, and remember a brief time when I felt loved and truly wanted. And I will always love him so deeply for that; even if it did ruin my life for now. Gosh, this has started me to cry again.
thank you so much for posting this. I read it all and you are so beautiful. I understand the boat sailing away. God I hate waving too.
I’m so sorry, BlueEyes, for all the things you lost. Please know that people here care. Keep discussing these things if you can, because talking about them can help you realise the best place for you to begin. I can imagine the devastation you’re feeling right now, and I hope you find some well-needed support while you make it through this.
I know the pain of loving someone and it’s not returned for one reason or another. I heart goes out to you that your pain be eased.
Its been about six months since my boyfriend and I broke up, and I still have trouble accepting it. I’m very sorry that you’re going through what you are.
This post really affected me. BlueEyes, I don’t think I’ve had an experience close to yours, but I do know how unfair, and annoying, and agonizing it is when something so perfect simply…goes away, as if it had never happened. That feeling of being absolutely connected to someone and at harmony with yourself is something I have also experienced, and I can certainly say it is a feeling unlike anything else. I certainly am sorry for your loss…well, I guess I can’t quite call it a loss. I suppose, the more accurate statement is that I am sorry for the fate that may lie in store for you, and the long road ahead.
Watching something decay is also another concept I am familiar with. A lot of good things fall apart with time. I do not know if your marriage was one of those good things that is slowly unraveling, and making you feel as if you too are unraveling with it. But if it is, then I can definitely say I know the feeling.
Advice? I have none to give you. I have never figured out how to deal with either situation. Fate is not something I have the ability to fight; I don’t think anyone really makes his or her own fate. I hope you find the strength in your heart to pick up the broken pieces and walk onward. I think that may be the solution, though I do not know how to achieve this goal. What I do know is that the only way to triumph over fate is to have nothing left for it to take away.
Perhaps meditating on that sentiment will help. I often focus on an image or thought, when I am feeling defeated, and it helps me pull through the moment, sometimes. Good luck, Blue Eyes. I thought your post was really beautiful. Keep posting! 🙂
“Unraveling” is a good word for my marriage and now that you say it, I realize I do feel like I’m unravelling with it. Thank you for that thought. Yes, we were happy once, but my husband and I are now both unhappy and lonely and neither is to blame. It’s very sad for both of us.
Fate has always been so kind to me, but I find it turning nasty on me now in so many ways. I try to think something better will come from the ashes, but the ashes just keep piling up. Is it patience I need? Faith? I don’t know.
I want to break out my little pez dispenser of advice this morning and say something upbeat like: ashes makes soap, or some shit like that.
But fuckkit. endings suck. My damn favorite sweater got caught on that bus over there and it is unraveling faster, faster…I’m running after the bus but no one on the bus sees me and my fucking favorite sweater is unraveling faster than I can run and I’m spinning in circles because that is how sweaters are knitted, around and around.
My God I understand all too well. Keep talking though it helps.
That’s what everyone says about my JW that I love so much. Unfortunately I’m too disgusting and hideous for him or any man to be with, so I will never be married or know what it’s like to be loved. I’ll never know what it’s like to kiss JW even though he’s still all I think about. People keep saying he’s just not the one, but he is THE one I have fallen for in my 38 years of world travels so you can’t tell me I just haven’t been out there when I’ve been across the country numerous times and across both oceans numerous times. I recently noticed our eyes are near spot on identical. My right eye to his right eye, my left eye to his right eye. They’re green, with brown star patterns in the middle, and grey rings around the outisde. The patterns are so very close to being identical. Two unrelated people with the same eyes. Our meeting is as just by one in a billion chance as anyone else’s. Of course he’s holding out for an anorexic barbie doll to love him the way I do. If only I weren’t too hideous and grotesque to be given a chance….