The time when I want to die the most is when I think about my friend MC. He kissed me twice, over a year ago, and I’m still so silently, painfully, in love with him over those unexpected kisses. They were unlike any experience I’ve ever had; I felt totally connected to him and complete within myself.
Now he’s getting married to someone else and we barely speak, and my marriage is falling apart for reasons other than MC.
The resulting depression is overwhelming and unbearable.
I keep searching from tarot cards to God to understand why I can’t get over MC, and every time the answer is simply ‘MC is not for you’. But so deep in my heart I simply cannot accept that those emotions were for nothing and we aren’t somehow meant to be together. In these lowest moments I used to pray and beg to the Universe for answers, now I pray for a miracle.
And every night for the past year when I go to bed I simply pray, defeatedly, that I never wake up.