Wow. Okay thats a thing.

Ive been passive aggressively making life harder for myself.

Exploiting all my health issues, especially the issues i know plague the bloodline. Picked up cancer sticks with the goal to burn through a pack a week…hell even depleted all my finacial resources knowing id be fucked when debt collectora come knockin.

Anything, to get sick to get hurt…to be ruined and yet.
A car that shouldve totaled me narrowly misses..my doc clears me of any bad news and now somehow i have money in the bank. Not just a few dollars but enough to get by the next few months.

I just dont get it. Universe there are so many others who deserve that help. In all those situations, so why waste it on someone who doesn’t want to even live? Let alone actually do something productive with what they do have. Man its like a normal person would be so happy about this right. But im just so lost with how i feel and kinda upset. Man im just this loser asshole so why?