Today at work I started to really feel bottomless sad, and the desire to end my life became once again overwhelming. But because of that recent lovely moment with my son, I actually had enough sense to not let myself sink further, but call my psychologist. Quite by miracle I got an appointment that very afternoon, due to a last minute cancellation. Usually the wait list is weeks long, unless it’s an absolute emergency. I take that as a good omen. And she is wonderful. I’ve been seeing her for years now, and she’s one of the major reasons I’m still alive.
Im just in my way back home from that appointment, and trying to digest. The obvious trigger for this relapse is my work situation: I work in a small software company as a senior developer, and my boss is a narcissist. And I mean that in the clinical sense; not just as a throw-away phrase.
He plays power games, and has a need to control everybody around him. Because I’m his most senior developer, and his business would fall over without me, he can’t control me to the same degree as his other employees, but he still tries to, and often succeeds to fuck with my mind. Still, jobs are scarce at the moment, I am hyper specialised, and while I’m highly skilled, those skills are not very marketable. Plus I’m a 50 yo female, it’s difficult to compete with hot young uni graduates in this industry at the best of times.
So even my psychologist agreed that at the moment I can’t walk just away from my job, and have to learn to shield myself.
The reason this triggers me so badly is that I’ve been badly abused by my two husbands. The first one a psychopath, the second one a narcissist. I sure know how to pick them! I’ve purged them all from my life, but it’s not that easy with work.
Just sharing, taking a few tentative steps to recovery….
I hope that there’s been something good, however small, in everybody’s day.
Sent from my iPhone
2 comments
It’s great that you have a psychologist you trust, and that you could talk to her that quickly.
That’s unfortunate about your boss, though.
I hope you can continue to take more steps forward in the future, and that you have more good moments as well.
Miracles always come in threes right? I think that moment with your son was a small miracle and the appointment today was too so still one more miracle to go. The first two were fairly small so the third one can be huge 🙂