I’m laying in bed on the verge of saying fuck it and shutting it all down. The hardest part is actually finding the perfect method.. At this point im completely calm and collected, I just want it to be as painless as possible. I’ve actually died once before for a few seconds. And remained in intensive care and on suicide watch after attempting an overdose. But from past experiences, over dose hasn’t actually worked. Sadly its my go to method, mostly because I either dont have resources for other methods, or it seems too painful. I just want to go as peacfully as I can.
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I know exactly what you mean. I also have my perfect method and a plan on when to actually use it. But, 2 days ago, I was in that fuck it and shutting it down moment. I was so close to using an alternative method thats not as peaceful and painless as I wanted. Something brought me back though. I guess I needed that moment to actually realise what is more important.
I know what you feel like right now.
I don’t even want to talk about why I feel the way I do anymore its exhausting. I just fell like I should follow through or talk to someone who know what it’s like. Well I dont know if everyone goes through what I do. But I’m tired, and all I want is to go to sleep and never wake up before someone I know appears at my house today. Because it’s actually the only person I would want to find me. I dont want a horrid mess, and I would like to be laying in my bed, smoking one last cigarette before I fall asleep. But im worried it might fail, and end up in the hospital again. The aftermath isn’t pretty or pleasant for a long time after an atempt. I might work my way out of this, it might not be my time today.
Sometimes, talking about it helps. I have a lot of rage in me. I keep it in all the time. Letting it out on this site helps. Things I usually post sound very violent, Im ashamed. I think I often get confused for a guy because of it.
No one actually knows Im going through shit at home. No one knows Im suicidal, not even my doctor. I fake it. I know how to play psychiatrists and give them what they want to hear. I cant talk to them about it. Im scared. I keep hinting at it but never take it further.
And you’re right. Its possible that you might find a way to get yourself out of this. Before you know it, it’ll be tomorrow and you’ll still be around. Just keep pushing. Not the best advice, I know. But Ive got nothing else since Im also in the same place you’re in.
Yeah, I wish it was easier to end it. I had a perfect method all set to go. One night I just wanted to go and I was drinking. But because I was drunk I didn’t implement it all the way and I wound up in the hospital in intensive care for like a week and I was in a coma for 2 days. It was pretty serious. I came close to death. If I had implemented it more correctly I would have been dead. Doctors said I was just a tiny fraction away from death. I say DAM every time I think of it because I really wanted to be done with this life. Now I have other methods I could use but dont have the money to acquire what I need. Anyway I hope you find peace somehow.
But yeah I know what you’re talking about with the perfect method. I feel uncomfortable thinking about other methods, ive always felt ok with what ive always gone to. Because if I have second thoughts I have a chance of turning it around.
Thank you phantom. And being in intensive care was the worst. I never went into a coma, but I messed up my stomach and kidney really badly. Ive had 2 seizures since as well.
Ylem, I know how you feel, being scared to talk about it. I actually gave up talking to people I know or are close to me. Because it actually made me feel a lot worse when ever I did. And I usually ended up in the psychiatric unit or in hand cuffs. Which was never help, and always gave me more of a motive. It’s scary talking to a loved one because you never know how they will react. But it would never hurt to talk to a loved one who you think is understanding. Because sometimes that’s all it takes for someone to keep them from going over the edge. Love is a powerful thing, it can save lives. But in my case its a burden and its a powerful weapon. Not having a family for years because they care about their new family more than their own flesh and blood, and the person you are in love with for the past 7 years who gave you genital herpes tells you that they no longer love you then leave you for dead litterally. After struggling to take a bottle full of pills out from your hands, then to leave your house in response to ill bring your pills back tomorrow, just get some sleep. After realizing the only person you had in your life is gone and walked out on you while you were crying out for help you feel like you lost control of everything. And to think ive been free from suicidal thoughs and tendacies for a couple years for it all to come back. Everything was going great.. Until I was told he was leaving me. It took me three days until I broke down tonight and begged him over to help me. But he left me for dead. I should have just never asked for his help. I should have just laid in my bed. I lost control, I ended up self harming myself today. Im glad I did though. Because I actually felt like I was in control.
Im sorry you feel that way. Its not right that he walked out on you right in the moment you needed him most. Reason I never ask for help is because Im scared of someone turning their back on me and me being too dependent on them. I always feel like I have to control my own situation myself. Its become too unbearable I feel I have to let it out somehow. Hence joining this site.
I just wanted to let you know I read your post and all the comments.
Thanks guys.