It’s funny how long the night lasts

And my thoughts spiral, how funny it is that the empath is the one that needs help themselves.

It’s been a while since she died. She was my world and I was hers. The main thing I remember was the sunshine always shone from and through her, she was always the nicest and most giving, generous person.

Should I have wondered why?

Apparently she was planning her death since before she met me. I never saw any of it, all I saw was her mask and it never slipped. I think I gave her hope, until one night, after her parents had physically abused her.

I received a phone call from her at about 11:15pm. She told me what happened in a weirdly calm tone, I offered to call the police but she gently stopped me, saying she had a better solution. Her parents fought because of her and made it clear to her that she was never a wanted child…she was going to make their wish come true.

I heard some doors slam and a car drive off in the background, and with that she said quietly it was time. I begged her to wait for me, to think, to have hope but to no avail. She thanked me for being there, explained all I have just told you and told me she loved me, but goodbye.

It felt like forever from the time the phone call was hung up to when I arrived at her place – running – but it wasn’t more than 15 minutes. Neither of her parents were home, the front door was unlocked so I could open it.

I called out her name as I searched the house for her, first the bottom story th3n the top. I think the sound of a running tap is what drew me to the bathroom. The police report showed me as the first on the scene and the key witness – even though she was dead from massive blood loss when i found her. That memory haunts me even now.

I took to cutting and became a wild child. I developed severe PTSD, depression and anxiety as a response to that, and I will admit I have thought of joining her. Something always stopped me though, even right on the cusp.

I’m not ok, I suspect I never will be. The best I can do is cope. Even though this happened many years ago now, it feels like just yesterday.

Reach out please. From a sad, broken person as well as someone affected by suicide, help is out there.

Peace and love to you all, and thank you for reading.