I haven’t been here or posted for 11 months. Since then, I’ve been taking different anti-depressants, and seeing a therapist. Sometimes they just don’t help, but I knew I had to stay to take care of my oldest cat. I know how ridiculous it sounds, and I know there are are people with far worse things to deal with this Christmas night. My plan was always based on my old guy’s death being the initiating event, but in addition, this summer I suddenly lost a younger car to cancer, and then, after adopting a kitten that melted my heart, I had to euthanize her 12 days later after she developed a fatal and contagious disease. I still haven’t gotten over that. Still, I had to stay. Yesterday morning his time finally ran out, and I had to have him put out of his pain. I think I was in shock all day yesterday, but it just hit me that I no longer have a reason NOT to carry out my end of the bargain I made. Maybe I just used my cat as an excuse for my cowardice. Everyone is out of town right now. This sounds so stupid I don’t know if I should even post it. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
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Are you okay?
For some reason, I didn’t see your reply until now. I wasn’t ignoring you. Thanks for asking
I just read all of your prior posts since last year OCT 2014. From your writings, you seem to be insightful and caring. You adore cats, your oldest cat just died yesterday, and now you can die. But currently you are uncertain if you want to die. Your post is not stupid. Choosing to die is not an easy decision.
Have you ever thought of volunteering at an animal shelter? This could provide love and comfort without the long-term obligation of having a cat again in your home.
Earlier this year, on JAN 22, 2015 you wrote “Strange as it may seem, each time I took a concrete step in carrying out the plan, such as buying the burial plot, ordering the headstone, writing letters, I felt relieved, as if a large burden was relieved.”
Perhaps your sense of well-being will improve now that you have been relieved of your burdens. You have your death and funeral all planned. Nobody apparently ‘needs’ you to be around. Before you exit, I wonder if this might be a time to do something amazingly interesting or fun. Is there anything on your Bucket List?
It feels so strange now that I’ve reached the point where I no longer have the responsibility to care for him. During the time I was planning and making arrangements, and even as recently as Sept., when in a fit of despair I wrote the final copy of each letter after the death of my kitten, I was sure I was doing the right thing. (was that a run-on sentence?) Now I’m not sure. I had vowed to God that if he gave me more time with my cat, that I would keep my end of the bargain. He lived more than a year longer than I expected. I fear that if I don’t, something even worse will happen. I don’t want anything else on my conscience. Will I always believe I am a coward if I back out? Or am I a coward to just want MY pain to end, as I ended his? With no hope for the future, I have never prepared a Bucket List. Thank you for taking the time to read all those posts, and for replying to me on Christmas. I am going to try to sleep tonight.
I don’t think it is cowardly to want your pain to end.
It is quite the dilemma – should you stay or should you go?
If you don’t keep your end of the bargain with God, you fear “something even worse will happen“. What is the “something worse” than your current predicament?
For someone else I care about to die, because I failed to do what needed to be done to protect them.
That is a heavy burden. And I can relate to this fear.
There is nothing trivial in this post. I don’t get out a measuring stick when reading individual posts to see if people measure up. Everyone has their own personal reasons for being here, their own breaking point.
That said, I really like the idea of you looking into volunteering for an animal shelter. I go to the one in my city and walk the Dogs. I haven’t done it for a while but I used to do it all the time, especially when I got really sad. It grounded me.
Rocketman, one of the people on SP, is damned to a long and healthy existence due to cat intervention, or Life By Kitten if you will.
When I was visiting this site a year ago, I was mystified why the people who seem to spew hatred and anger with every other phrase “F this” or “F them” seemed to get the most replies. It seemed the posts written by people living in quiet desperation, or the people who tried to do the right thing, but somehow always managed to fail, either received no replies, or only 1 or 2. However, you are right, we all have our own reasons. I wasn’t sure if anyone would reply to my post, but it helps that the 3 of you have. Christmas was just another day, just like today but I’m here.
Interesting observation. Truth is sometimes it is just easier to be off the cuff than it is to answer some of the more poignant posts on here. Sometimes I read them and I have no idea what to say and saying “I read this and I care” seems to be trite or not enough. So sometimes I pass without saying anything. Some of my posts get no replies, but I think to myself if only one person read it and identified with it or it stopped them from killing themselves or gave them room to breath then it was worth it. There are many who just lurk here who either don’t have the strength or confidence to post comments for so many reasons. All I can say is keep talking and people will keep reading.
Christmas is always just another day. One 1/364 1/4 days around the sun, one turn of the planet. hmmmm. That just blew my mind. Is a day one spin around the earth or 1/364 1/4 of the way around the sun?
POOOF
Lost2many – I just found this site a few months ago. There are a lot of eloquent expressions on SP which I’ve appreciated reading. And I’m impressed by many deep thinkers here. But I agree with you that most responses are to posts which are laced with anger. Those with ‘quiet desperation’ often seem to be passed over. So, I’m mystified also. I was thinking that the dialogue differences are based more on personality than circumstance. Perhaps some people are uncomfortable with straight-forward communication. Some like to express themselves with vulgarity, some with humor, and some with clichés. I am more of a matter-of-fact type person, and I’m guessing that many people probably don’t like reading matter-of-fact style of comments.
I’m sorry. It was not stupid to post that. Just speak your mind. People will listen. (sorry for the short reply I never really know what to write).
I like factual comments too. I’m more of a lurker..
And you are not a coward. I don’t say if people should kill themselves or not, but i see you have been through alot. It is terrible, but looks like you have some company on here for the time being which is good
Almost every day, I read in the obituaries that someone died “After a courageous battle with…” and on the other hand, read how someone else was a coward for killing themselves. But doesn’t it take courage to take that final step? 2 young men (one not yet 18, and the other 19) who were in the same Cub Scout / Boy Scout Troops as my son died by suicide in the past 2 years. Those were both tragedies because they were far too young. Yet, being far older, and having already lived most of my life, why can I not find the courage that they did? On another page, someone posted a cartoon of a “suicide booth”, as a joke. But if releasing our pets from their pain is an act of love, why do people have to suffer instead? If there was such a thing as that booth, where death would be painless and done by a machine that takes the decision out of my hands, I would not be here now.
I don’t know what to call it. I think people want to know if they will succeed in dying. Not end up paralyzed or something because of a failed attempt. I think this stops alot of people from doing it. Although in the end it may become ‘screw this I’m going to try and end my life…’
all this crap could end if they just gave us a chance to be euthanized. If it were me I’d just allow it, as long as it had been carefully planned and not something like waking up one day and wanting to die on impulse…
well this could just lead to another…they say depressed people are ‘mentally ill’ but what about society???
Its a dog eat dog world… and i sure cannot call that civilized
Lost2many,
i understand exactly what your talking about, I’ve had good luck with my baby’s knock on wood, i have had a very bad day, i try not to talk about it, but what the hell, i look normal on the outside and i function quite well but pain is riddling my body, anxiety is killing me, i’m taking meds, drinking, all kinds of stuff and i wish i could just die, aw! but i have the cats to worry about! i suggest you get another kitten 🙂 don’t worry it will be fine. obviously you have a good heart a there is a kitten out there that needs you! help the kitten.
Lost2many,
fuck yeah! it takes courage to kill yourself! it also takes courage to live, most people are cowards, i say if you had enough then and want to quit playing the game that’s your business and mine too! not suggesting it’s what you should do or myself, but it’s really an injustice to say that about people who have, they do it for a reason, maybe the world should take some blame instead of being cowards!
I’ve had cats all my life. I thought there were too many buried in the back yard before (thus the name), but having 3 die in 4 months? I had been carrying the old guy up and down the stairs, but on his last night, slept in living room with him and put a litter box by his spot on the couch. Heard him use the box at 3:00 AM. Woke up again at 6:30, couldn’t find him, but discovered he had gone downstairs to use the litter box. Found him hiding under couch, which he never did before. It’s hard to believe he made it down & back up the stairs, but I guess after 18 years, he just knew it was what he was supposed to do. I think he died instantly at the vets on X-mas eve. I guess if he could still do what was expected of him, then I guess I’ll have to do the same.
people who suicide are not cowards only cowards are the ones forcing them to live
Lost2many – It’s been a few days since your cat died. How are you feeling?
Not sure if I feel numb or hollow inside. Went to work today and one co-worker who knew about my cat asked about him. Fortunately no one asked how my holiday was. My wife and our college student (home on break) dug a hole and we just buried him. I always cried when we buried the other ones (especially the kitten) but I just didn’t feel anything. Thanks for asking