Son of a *****. I’m at it again, having a breakdown where no one will find me. I’m so tired, so tired (SO GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING TIRED), of not being happy. I want to be able to be content with myself. I never tell anyone I know of these breakdowns and how severe they can get because I don’t want them to think less of me. But I’m exhausted from keeping it in. I just want a hug, a soul crushing, tear gushing hug. I want to feel loved wholly, for my depression and everything else. I don’t want to hide, bu t I shall continue to do so. I just cannot deal with someone seeing me this weak, I’m so afraid they’ll leave me if they see me this way. I know that’s irrational, but I don’t necessarily mean leave me physically all the time, but maybe they’ll take a step back or leave their previous view of me for something worse. I just need a shoulder to cry on right now, though, and I just don’t have that. I need tangible reassurance that everything is going to be fine someday.
(I’ve been so passively suicidal today that it pains me to think of what I envisioned for my lack of a future)
1 comment
For what it’s worth, you are completely not alone. There’s such a stigma in society to avoid such honest feelings at all costs, appearing “weak” in the eyes of others.. I think people avoid it so viscerally out of the sub-conscious knowledge that they themselves are just as susceptible to a breakdown, and don’t want to admit how everyone’s grasp on their own psychological fortitude is subject to instability.. In a way though, theirs reflects an attitude of being afraid, while yours, in disclosing a hard universal truth we all feel somewhere deep down inside but are hesitant to admit, is brave.