The New Year

Hey SP,
It’s currently 3:00am on the 1st of January 2016 as I write this, and I don’t know how to feel.
I’m kind of glad that I’ve made it another year. This means that I’m another year closer to leaving home (only a year and 8 months to go now) which I’ve been waiting for since I was 13 years old. I’ve also started looking at university options and jobs so that I can save up enough money by the time I get to university to live fairly decently. Or the money will be used if I end up leaving home before then. Either way, these things are good.
I’ve met some pretty amazing people this year, and left behind some not so amazing people, who I realised I was better off without. But the new people I’ve met filled those gaps quite quickly, and are better that the people who previously occupied those spaces.
I managed to become part of a safe space in the form of the LGBTQ+ society at my college, which allows me to open up about all sorts of things.
I’ve been to see bands that inspire me this year, and got to hear some of the lyrics that helped me, and it was as though they were speaking directly to me. I met Frank Iero, who is one of the people that keeps me going, which was wonderful.
But this year hasn’t been all good.
I’ve been fucked over by countless people, emotionally hurt and embarassed by them. Friends who I thought cared more, but in fact did not. Friends who took certain actions so as not to ‘ruin our friendship’, then proceed to never talk to me, only to tell me about how great they’re doing, while I am left silently wanting to let them know that they hurt me.
Another suicide attempt, countless suicidal thoughts and self harming episodes added to the bad things that happened this year. Then again, the self harming is a regular thing, so I don’t see why it should have recognition for 2015 alone.
The end of 2015 marks 2 years since the beginning of the development of issues surrounding food and my weight.
I’ve struggled to come to terms with my gender, my pronouns and what name I want to be called. I still haven’t decided on a name yet.
But the New Year is a time for resolutions, even though I think they’re a ton of bullshit, because no-one ever sticks to them. But here we go:
1: Lose weight (the healthy way, through proper dieting and exercise, rather than starving or purging)
2: Be more honest. I lie to people a lot, and it’s a bad character trait.
3: Have more confidence. There are a lot of things I want to do this year, like run the LGBTQ+ society at college, sing more and ask a girl out that I’ve liked for months, but I don’t have enough confidence to do so.

I would say something like ‘stop self harming’ or ‘aim to be less depressed’ but I think these things will take more than a year to solve. I’m not saying that they’re unsolveable, it just might take a while.
That’s all I have to say on that front, really.
Hopefully today is a good day for people.
Until the next time,
M.