I absolutely hate the whole “suicide is selfish” bullshit. I really feel that people are selfish for making me stay alive & suffer. Sure, they’re not forcing me to stay alive, but I’ve been given the guilt trip & all of that stuff. Pretty much everyone in my life knows that I want to die. Family, friends, doctors, etc. I’m rather open about it. I’ve made all sorts of promises, but I really don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve had various plans. Some halfhearted attempts. Most of my plans now are pretty full proof, but complicated. I just stumbled across a new method, easily accessible & lethal. It’s been around 20 or more years of this bullshit. I honestly wish I would have just died when I was 17, so that maybe now, people would have had time to get over it. I’m 36 now. This is enough.
I don’t want to hurt anyone. It’s the only thing that’s keeping me here. It’s the holidays, that would be horrible to do to them. I know I have people who love & care about me. Sometimes that just doesn’t feel like enough. When I get really bad, I don’t even have the energy to leave my house to carry out my plan. I’m not angry, I don’t want to kill myself to get back at anyone. I’m not going through a break up or anything. If anything, I have too many people who love me and it kills me to hurt them. 🙁 I’m evil inside. No one seems to understand that. I can’t stand myself.
I wanted to get everything in order. Get rid of some stuff first so as to not overwhelm people with the massive amounts of hoarding of shit in my room. I just don’t have the energy.
This makes sense though, right? I should have the right to kill myself? I wish I didn’t care. I really don’t want to be here anymore….haven’t for a very long time now. 🙁 Can anyone else relate? Suffering for so long, no treatment works (I also posted about the various treatments I’ve had in another post) I’m in a program now, just trying to get through it without ending up in the hospital b/c that would just make things worse.
9 comments
Yes I know what it feels like to want to be gone from here. And like you, I don’t want to hurt the people who love me. My fiancee shot himself two and a half years ago. I swore then that I would never do it, cause I know what it feels like to be left behind. And I do see now how the things that were so troubling to him have worked out over time and I wish he would have waited it out. But my heart goes out to you. I so hope you find different circumstances or a different perspective to help you through. Much love to you friend.
Thank you. My nephew killed himself almost 2 years ago, so I saw & felt what it has done to everyone. And like you, I also see things that were troubling him would have worked out also. Idk, I just feel like I’m different b/c I’ve wanted this for so long & nothing ever helps.
I heard someone say once that the suicidal are people who escaped death, but shouldn’t have. That death is still chasing them, and in their hearts they know this, so they are seduced over and over in their lives to complete what they cheated death previously of.
I don’t know about that, I certainly have cheated death more than one in my life, but I don’t feel like I’m particularly chasing death daily. I do believe in harm reduction though. If you are going to use drugs, then use them safely, use clean needles, shoot up in a safe environment. If you want to drink yourself to death just don’t drive or beat people up while you are drunk.
So why should suicide be any different. I’ve always been of the opinion that if someone wants to die there is very little I can do to keep them here. I can keep them company, make their journey easier even hold their hand and love them so deeply that when they leave a piece of me leaves with them. But it is selfish of me to try to keep them here for me only, because it makes my heart feel better.
However, and this is the really important part of this comment, sometimes what someone needs is a hand off the ledge. I don’t ever tell anyone to just have at it if they are really taking that step. It needs to be said to the person, it needs to be said, even if from a stranger, that your life matters, my life matters, that person over there picking the cactus paddles out of my yard who doesn’t think I see them, their life matters too. However, after putting my hand out you decide to take your toys and leave the party, I bid you a gentle journey friend, and a sweet sweet slumber. And if you try to take the journey and don’t quite make it and you end up at my door with all your toys in your hand asking to come in, then I will invite you inside, because maybe this time you will find the reason why you are living.
Thank you for this.
If I was you, since your old enough by the looks of it; I would just leave, I would go another place without telling anyone and start a new life on my own, forget everyone and everything I have done and never return. Though I guess everyone’s different,
what do you really want?
If I had any money, I would probably do that in a second, but then again, I’ll still be stuck with myself and my awful brain that’s trying to destroy me. What do I really want? I want to just be ok. I don’t even want happy, just peace of mind for once in my life.
If you want to go, it’s your right..especially if you are older. If you want death when you’re young, wait until your 30s. My life went to shit about 3 years ago. I have been completely abandoned by family and friends and have chosen suicide. My delay has been picking the best way to go, but I have had to pick a rather nasty way…however, can’t afford it after your boyfriend bankrupted you and someone stole your car that is now broken and your dad tells you to die and when you do to make sure you do it good enough so you don’t come back. I am worthless and no one gives a shit about me.
I’m sorry you feel similar. 🙁 And that you have such awful people in your life.
Hi imperfect Jenny,
We all have made mistakes and we all have flaws and we are all sinful… You said you feel bad inside… Good can make you clean. He sent his son to take the punishment we deserved on the cross like a substitution to make the way to God open for us… He was broken, unclean, hated, ripped apart so we can be cured, healed made into a new person, forgiven, cleansed and set free. He is really real. 🙂 You can do a quick Google search to see how real Jesus is in the lives of people all over the earth. He is who you need, He can make it better. You are on this earth for a reason and he can heal you and make it better, give you peace, love, joy. We deserve hell, but Jesus, Gods son, died and went to hell instead of us so we don’t have to!!! We can ask Him for forgiveness, be baptised and as we follow Him He heals us and leads us to heaven 🙂 he healed me from food intolerances, many anxieties, an obsession, things about my character that were not good. I pray all the best for you and that you meet Him, your soulmate and saviour very soon <3 Here is a love letter from the bible, may it bless you. If there are any specific things you want me to pray about please let me know, here is my email rosiegladys@gmail.com 🙂 xxxxxxxxxx
My Child,
You may not know me,
but I know everything about you.
Psalm 139:1
I know when you sit down and when you rise up.
Psalm 139:2
I am familiar with all your ways.
Psalm 139:3
Even the very hairs on your head are numbered.
Matthew 10:29-31
For you were made in my image.
Genesis 1:27
In me you live and move and have your being.
Acts 17:28
For you are my offspring.
Acts 17:28
I knew you even before you were conceived.
Jeremiah 1:4-5
I chose you when I planned creation.
Ephesians 1:11-12
You were not a mistake,
for all your days are written in my book.
Psalm 139:15-16
I determined the exact time of your birth
and where you would live.
Acts 17:26
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Psalm 139:14
I knit you together in your mother's womb.
Psalm 139:13
And brought you forth on the day you were born.
Psalm 71:6
I have been misrepresented
by those who don't know me.
John 8:41-44
I am not distant and angry,
but am the complete expression of love.
1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you.
1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child
and I am your Father.
1 John 3:1
I offer you more than your earthly father ever could.
Matthew 7:11
For I am the perfect father.
Matthew 5:48
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand.
James 1:17
For I am your provider and I meet all your needs.
Matthew 6:31-33
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
Because I love you with an everlasting love.
Jeremiah 31:3
My thoughts toward you are countless
as the sand on the seashore.
Psalms 139:17-18
And I rejoice over you with singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
I will never stop doing good to you.
Jeremiah 32:40
For you are my treasured possession.
Exodus 19:5
I desire to establish you
with all my heart and all my soul.
Jeremiah 32:41
And I want to show you great and marvelous things.
Jeremiah 33:3
If you seek me with all your heart,
you will find me.
Deuteronomy 4:29
Delight in me and I will give you
the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:4
For it is I who gave you those desires.
Philippians 2:13
I am able to do more for you
than you could possibly imagine.
Ephesians 3:20
For I am your greatest encourager.
2 Thessalonians 2:16-17
I am also the Father who comforts you
in all your troubles.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
When you are brokenhearted,
I am close to you.
Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb,
I have carried you close to my heart.
Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away
every tear from your eyes.
Revelation 21:3-4
And I'll take away all the pain
you have suffered on this earth.
Revelation 21:3-4
I am your Father, and I love you
even as I love my son, Jesus.
John 17:23
For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed.
John 17:26
He is the exact representation of my being.
Hebrews 1:3
He came to demonstrate that I am for you,
not against you.
Romans 8:31
And to tell you that I am not counting your sins.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled.
2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression
of my love for you.
1 John 4:10
I gave up everything I loved
that I might gain your love.
Romans 8:31-32
If you receive the gift of my son Jesus,
you receive me.
1 John 2:23
And nothing will ever separate you
from my love again.
Romans 8:38-39
Come home and I'll throw the biggest party
heaven has ever seen.
Luke 15:7
I have always been Father,
and will always be Father.
Ephesians 3:14-15
My question is…
Will you be my child?
John 1:12-13
I am waiting for you.
Luke 15:11-32
Love, Your Dad
Almighty God
Father's Love Letter used by permission
Father Heart Communications ©1999 FathersLoveLetter.com