What’s the allure of fantasizing about death? It makes no sense. You know (talking to myself) that you don’t want to die. All you want is for things to be different. Sometimes it seems so hard, too hard, to change things. I want to own people is what my problem is. I want their attention and admiration and as time goes by the illusions are falling away and I can see emptiness. I’m starting to see that my thinking doesn’t add up. So what is the way to think? I’ve been reading about suicide all night and the two things some people say help are being around people and staying active. I guess I’ve always known that and try to keep my time filled at least enough, but this past summer the few little things I had went away and now I’m struggling. For me it was hanging on for better times, better company, better opportunities.
I think it was in the movie Jacob’s Ladder – or I might have just imagined this, the narrator says that demons are really angels trying to teach you something. Once you give in and let it in, the demons become angels.