I never want to leave my house but I can’t stand being here. I am a living contradiction. I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m constantly dreaming that I get some lucky break and will be able to live my life one way or another but I’m not delusional, I obviously know that can’t and won’t happen. I know it’s my fault and I should’ve just done what needed to be done, but I don’t want to live in the first place the only reason I’m alive is so I don’t hurt my family. But now I’m just a disaster to them. I hate myself so much, it’s so painful to look in the mirror. Being in this body is like like living in a corpse, why couldn’t I have been born acceptable. I feel numb but I know I’m in so much pain, I can feel it leaking out of my subconscious- I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s like an emotionless urge to die. If I have another breakdown I don’t think I’ll be able to recover or even breathe.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
9 comments
PS Sorry all my posts sound the same
Is it the claustrophobia aspect of being in public places or your insecurity always worrying people are judging you?
Don’t apologise for anything, the reason we are here is because we are stuck in one way or another.
I’m not agoraphobic but given a choice I would happily stay in a cell sized room with nothing more than a bed, shower and internet access. The outside world is scary, I don’t worry about others judging me, more the opposite in that there’s too much going on for me to analyse and that’s a brain drain.
Like you my torments have continued because I’ve never wanted to hurt my family by leaving it all behind.
You are digging yourself a hole that gets harder to escape over time. What is it about leaving the house that worries you the most?
I have really dominant anxiety so I have the same issue where I analyse everything and can’t drown anything out, I also have severe social anxiety so that fucks with my insecurity. I’ve had multiple panic attacks “outside” and they get painful. Then there’s the humiliation afterwards.
I’m sorry for you, my social anxiety is severe too, but I never had panic atacks I think
Yeah I’ve experienced that once or twice, you feel right out of place. There is no cure through drugs, they can calm you but only you can make the changes needed. It’s all in our head, it’ll take time but just think in minutes and hours not weeks and months. Baby steps. Overthinking is a curse unless you put it to good use, use your extra brain power towards creativity, doing whatever it is you live doing the most. Then nothing else matters.
Thanks for the advice, thats what I have been trying to do although I am quite anhedonic these days but if it worked for you I’ll keep trying then
*love
Agoraphobia drains the life out of you. You start to feel yourself wasting away. It’s listed as one of my diagnosis, but the place I’m going to is weaning all of the patients off anti-anxiety medication as if we don’t need it… Because they claim the medicine causes dementia in the future. Who cares if I get dementia, I’m suffering now.
I’ve taken matters into my own hands and started getting anti-anxiety medication a different way. I’d much rather have it controlled by a doctor so I don’t get this addicted, but it’s the only thing that gets me out of the house.
You’re not alone.
I’ve been thinking about getting back on the meds can I ask what you are taking. Ty for commenting. And yeah I really do feel like I’m starting to waste away.