I miss him

Lying in bed, having all the bad feelings flooding back, and all I want to do is message my “friend” because he’s always been there for me. It’s been almost a week since he told me he couldn’t talk to me anymore until I got help. I can’t do it. My mother will be angry at me because I’m being an inconvenience to them. My roommate will be angry because it means he has to do more house work for a bit and won’t until I’m home and blame me for causing him issues. I usually watch streams to relax and fall asleep to, but the “friend” has been in any of the ones I watch that I can’t be there.  He didn’t tell me to go away, it’s just too hard for me to see him talking and just want to say anything to him. He’s playing a game with a friend I watch stream right now, and I didn’t realize it when I turned on the stream, heard his voice and lost it. Been crying since. Having extreme stress issues, can’t breathe, my heart is racing. My head hurts so bad. And I just want my friend to be there so I can talk to him. But I can’t. And I hate him. For all the times he told me that it’s okay, and to not worry. And that he would be there and we would get through this. He kept saying we would get through this together. And he’s gone. I have never felt more alone. I miss him so much. But I’ve been good. As much as he’s everywhere, I haven’t messaged him. Just God, I wish I could.