In this moment i wish i could die. So all the pain and memories of pain could disappear. So id never feel all the anger and hatred and my needless existence could disappear. Im sick of seeing triggers everywhere. Im sick of society at large. Im sick of having little self worth. Im sick of being different. Honestly im only still here because i failed at suicide hundreds of times. Im alone and uneccesary. But that said im not going to attempt. Im going to get up and go to the gym and continue to do the best i can do. There is a part of me that hopes i go so hard that i trigger a fatal heart attack. But if that doesnt happy at least ill have those rush of endorphins those moments of self worth that make life have meaning until they wear off. If i had the option to chose death i would but i don’t so i have to give life the best shot i can.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
9 comments
I applaud you for going to the gym. For taking action. Well done!
Thanks its the only thing i have that makes not feel ugly and unwanted. Ive been soooo fat for so long I’m within striking distance of my goal weight for the first time in my adult life so its like i have to keep going.
That is amazing!!!!! No really it is.
To add to the gym, finding a skilled dietician would help too. I started seeing one just a few weeks ago for a lifelong eating disorder that was going to kill me if I didn’t do something. She used to work at an inpatient eating disorder program and had a terrible eating disorder herself. I’m finally learning to eat. That might help you feel more in-control. I’m mentioning it because I went down that road. I was overweight for 20 years and struggled my whole life. I lost the weight accidently (working one summer on a farm). Then started bulimia and extreme healthy eating to keep it off. Now I’m starting to feel normal and even though not getting exercise (fear of the gym) not gaining weight.
How do you mentally deal with the gym – I really need to get over that hurdle and start doing that myself. Physical activity is so important.
I cant afford a dietician atm. I used to (and still do honestly) have hang ups about the gym. Id say work out at night. Im extremely angry lol so im trying to channel it in a productive way. I am trying to eat better too and teach myself as much as possible. I haven’t been perfect but better.
A thousand mile journey starts with but one step: Lao Tzu.
First of all, good for you for trying to make the best out of life. That’s an incredible outlook to have amid feelings of depression. Second, I completely understand how it feels to feel unwanted, unimportant, and not worthy of anything. I myself have struggled with those kinds of feelings. When I became suicidal I knew that I needed to get help. I had just recently discovered a couple of activities that made me slightly happy that gave me the tiniest desire to try to help myself. I understand that when you’re in a mindset where your reality is that ‘you are too fat, too invaluable, etc.’ that that truly becomes your reality. That doesn’t have to be your reality forever. There is a light at the end of the tunnel – take that from a person who was in your shoes a few years ago. You are a beautiful human being. Unfortunately the way society views a person’s ‘worth’ is often through appearance. That is, excuse my language, so fucked up. A person is beautiful because of what they do and who they are – not because of the genes that compose their exterior. I understand that you can’t afford a dietician right now and that’s ok! Making an effort to eat well and exercise is INCREDIBLE. Like I said before, good for you.
I have a few suggestions on what might help you to feel better – and yes, it’s a process. But it’s SO worth it – the light at the end of the tunnel is incredible, no matter how you perceive life to be. If you have the opportunity to, seek out professional help – if you have insurance, look at therapists under your insurance. There is typically a copay (of about $20), but with a receipt from your therapist you get reimbursed. So therapy is basically free. Another option is to search for places that do free counseling in your community. There are usually centers which offer some kind of therapy. The second form of hope and treatment is medicine – again, being prescribed medicine by a psychiatrist who is under your insurance is free – even the medication (such as Prozac, an anti-depressant) costs about $5 and will also be reimbursed to you by your insurance. Medication does wonders – it allows you to think more rationally, have a more positive outlook, and take away feelings of depression and anxiety. The next suggestion I have is to find something you love – or atlas like – (try new things) or something that already makes you happy, and see how you can incorporate that into your every day life. Give yourself rewards for trying, and for being you. Going off of this, doing community service feels great when people are depressed. (It helped me a lot.) I like music, so my therapist recommended that I play music for kids or elderly people or whoever, even if that meant just sitting in a park and playing music for people to hear. It made me feel appreciated and loved, a feeling I hadn’t experienced in a while.
Sometimes asking for help is what people need – and it is in fact a sign of strength. Sometimes it takes a village (as cliché as that sounds.) There are people out there who can help you. Who can guide you, and help you to realize the multiple options you do have to enjoy life. Good for you for posting on here and asking for help, that already shows that you care about your well being and life. I’m proud of you.
If you want to contact me personally, feel free; it would be my absolute pleasure to help you.
I KNOW that there is a light at the end of the tunnel for you. Maybe I can help you figure it out.
Email me at: frozenmangos1@gmail.com
Much love. You are beautiful, so cared for, and incredibly valuable to this world.
<3 Stay strong.
Thank you so much. Im in the process of trying to get a guitar back out of a pawn shop from a different state. So maybe i will get back into music. Im scared of medicine honestly. I know it helps some. I also know people who are fucked because of it. If i get a counselor i trust and they suggest it I’m open to it but its not my first course of action. I’m also going to sign up for Obamacare soon so hopefully they will cover it all we’ll see. Thanks all of you for your love and support. I appreciate it.
That’s amazing! Good for you 🙂 I sing, I’d love to hear you play or talk about the kind of music you’re into. 🙂
I understand that medicine can be scary, I was really against it too (I’m on Prozac and an anti-anxiety called Seroquel because I was recently suicidal.) With the proper dosage – and the dosage has to be just adjusted typically – you will feel SO much better. It took about 9 weeks for me to get on the right dosage of each medicine. I can’t lie it was a really frustrating process, but I never would’ve imagined in my severely depressed state that I could be feeling this much better. If you’re still against medicine that’s ok, look into it and ask a doctor to explain to you side effects and things like that. That’s a great idea that you’re signing up for Obamacare! I think there will be great options for you to check into therapy through that insurance.
Email me if you ever want to talk, I’d love to get to know you and hear your music or just listen if you want to talk. You’re very valuable. Remind yourself every day even if you don’t believe it.
My email is: frozenmangos1@gmail.com
I hope to talk with you soon 🙂
<3