Hi. I’m french, so sorry if I make a lot of mistakes.
I don’t think that I want to end my life. I can’t say that I really hold to her, but idk.
But I hate my life, I always hated her. I hate my personality, I hate to be so irritable and so stupid. I play with my life, I’m the kind of persons who always think to do something, but never act. Then I always regret that, but I don’t do anything to change. I act as if I don’t care about what peoples think of me, but finally I need the approval of others. Even if I know it’s not important. I want to be myself, and at the same time I want to be what people want. I’m always blaming myself to not being what I want to. I’m so irritable, I feel angry every time that something don’t work as my wish/somebody don’t act as I would like. And I blamed people, then I put myself in bad situations, I get angry (sometime definitely) my friends, my family. And I really regret after that, but it’s too late. I can’t control myself. As if I wanted to feel bad.
I don’t have the baddest life ever at all. I’m 16, and I can’t remember one moment of my family was really “happy”. My father is always angry, he always blame others. I feel oppressed. I’m not really good at school. Not so bad, but not good. I don’t work enough but i’m unable to motivate myself. Even if I know that I need to. It’s as if I was waiting that things go wrong. Always that, in every situation. I wait. And things go wrong. Then I regret, I feel bad, but I don’t change my attitude. And it start, again and again. I don’t have a lot of friends, and I never had. I’m too weird maybe ? I don’t fit to the stereotypes : not pretty, a little fat, not funny, I don’t like music/fashion of the others. I’m not like the cliché of the 16 years old girl. I’m not the only one, I know, but that’s not the problem. Even if I still have friends, i feel like I can’t really be myself, they will not understand. It’s so frustrating. I have a boyfriend, that I really love, but I sometimes think that he can’t understand me too. I’m really scared to loose my friends. I’m scared to be alone. Maybe because I have been without friends during a lot of times, I never really had friends. People don’t like me. Some people were so offensive, I didn’t understand what was happening to me (8 to 10 years old, and after…). It break me a little. Know things go better, but I feel a lot of time as things go as before.
I always feel like things will go wrong. Everything I do will go wrong. I can’t continu to feel like that. I’m destroying myself. And a lot of time since my 10 years old, I think that people could live so much better without me. I’m not important. Finally they will remember a better me if I die. I don’t think that there is something after die. Then if I die, it’s just the end of problems. I don’t care and will not care about what I will not do if I die, because I will not be conscious of that. Maybe that dying is the solutions ?
I’m not clear, but that’s it.
3 comments
I’m sorry that you are feeling this way and a lot of us on here understand completely. Give yourself a little more time. Things can still change for the better. La vie est pleine de tant de beauté.
il est encore temps de trouver un.
I understand how you feel I’m going through something similar
Keep posting and talking, it really helps. Your English is better than some of the nut jobs here in Texas, and they are Americans.