I don’t really know how to start this post or how to explain but since I don’t feel comfortable enough trying to talk to anyone I might as well put my thoughts out into the open. The only way to explain it is that I’m simply tired of being alive. I wouldn’t say I was suicidal as I very highly doubt I would ever find it in me to take my own life, however I don’t fear death and if it happened then that’s that. I wake up every day feeling like I’m simply trying to kill off time, like I’m not making any use of it. All the things I used to find happiness in have simply faded to just numbness. I used to adore going to gigs, playing sport, playing instruments, going out with friends, literally everything gave me some kind of buzz or happiness. When I recently went to see my favourite band, I stood in the crowd completely zoned out. I know how good I felt last time I saw them and I was trying so hard to convince myself that I was having a great time but I simply felt numb. Now, let’s not blame the band for a poor setlist choice ha, but it’s exactly the same with everything else. Ice hockey has been my life since I was 9 years old. I’m now 17 and I just feel nothing from being at matches or playing like I used to. You get the picture, everything has just become a way to use up energy rather than a source for enjoyment. I used to be the most motivated person around, if you asked any of my friends I was ‘most likely to succeed’ or ‘you’ll be huge one day’. I worked hard in school and the companies I set up outside of it in my spare time (first one when I was 14 and still motivated to be alive), but I gave up on all 3 companies just months ago despite feeling like this for almost two years now. I simply have no motivation to exist or do anything with myself. Like I said, I don’t feel sad, but I don’t feel happy either, it’s just a long constant numbness towards everything. I don’t feel like there’s any point in life since we all die in the end anyway, but I just can’t see why I’d put myself through 70 years of just existing as appose to 17. Again, I’m not going to take my own life, I already feel incredibly guilty that my family and friends do everything for me and that I still feel like this. I don’t want anyone to have to live with the thought that the reason I ended my life was because they didn’t do enough for me because it’s the furthest thing from it. The only thing keeping me here is guilt, but it’s strong enough to make sure I don’t take my own life so that’s no concern. I’m simply bored and tired of being around so I joke about stuff like getting hit by a bus and everyone joins in saying they’d rather be hit than have to submit essays in school etc but honestly if it ever happened, I wouldn’t be upset the least to say.
I’m sorry I ranted it’s just the closest I’ve got to explaining my thoughts, and I’m also sorry if it doesn’t make sense but unfortunately for me, it does in my head.
2 comments
“the only thing keeping me here is guilt”
do you get that weird pit feeling in your stomach whenever you do something or see someone you used to enjoy? like you disapointed them? like you did something wrong, even though you think you haven’t changed at all on the outside?
To some extent yes, but I think the guilt is more to do with how I’d leave everyone feeling if I left. Like I feel guilty at the thought of someone having to lose their older sibling or first-born child, just because I know they’d live with the thoughts of where they went wrong for the rest of their lives and I feel guilty that I could possibly even consider putting them through that, so I’m simply staying alive to avoid ruining everyone’s elses lives with grieving and overthinking