…
…
…
Why while everything is going fine, when I know how to deal with things and how to solve my problems do I refuse to be ok?
Why if I know everyone matter and everyone is valuable I just don’t know what to do with that?
Why do I feel so rejected? So inevitably rejected for all I am?
Why do I apologise all the time for what I am? Why can’t I stop apologizing? I hate to apologise for even breathing.
Why do I need to hear from others that I am ok? I need it every minute. I keep all day looking for someone to tell me I am ok. And I can’t deal with this anymore. It’s becoming an addiction. I just can’t get enough.
And I don’t want to need to be ok. I don’t want to do anything. I want to stop crying. I want someone to listen to me for real, but I don’t belive the people that tell they are listening.
I feel so out of place, so imprisoned in my self rejection. And I come back to this same point once and again.
Please don’t tell me I am ok, don’t. Just talk to me, help me out of here. Out of this, what ever it is.
Help :/
14 comments
Maybe you are just depressed? When I’m low, I also refuse to be okay. I refuse to help myself. See, I lead a double life. In the day I work where I manage a team. I’m the leader, the solution to all problems. In the night I feel like nobody and just want to disappear or even to kill myself. (Why else would i be here!) Good thing nobody can read my mind! They say fake it until it’s real, so may I suggest you to find something to focus on, maybe school? Maybe your thesis? and just faking it. There will be times you feel lethargic, but understand that is just your body not your soul. It’s your brain trying to drag you down. Overcome your body’s limitation. We can do this!
Sorry I am not having a positive attitude today… I think that to fake it you need strength and I don’t know how to fake it, I am not stromg… I just know how to quit . Today my thesis was rejected again, I’ll have to make a new proposal before Friday… And I don’t have a clue on what to do it (it’s the fourth time they reject it, and today they rejected it twice,… long story, so it’s been five times). have I mention I hate to have to make it? The whole thesis thing is eating me up.
My body is ok, but my mind is numb at times, I don’t know how to feel about the thesis subject thing… am not really angry about it… but I am not ok with this either…
You’re not ok. It’s easy enough for anyone here to believe. What is this, or here, or it. The all-encompassing…what IS it?
It is me, just me
That’s one of the things that leaves me feeling hopeless: Everything coming down to not being able to stand myself. I can’t go on being myself, and I can’t stomach being anything other than that.
I can relate to what you are saying. When I was younger I used to apologize for EVERYTHING. Looking back, on the outside it looked like I had my shit together but on the inside I was dying (bulimic/anorexic/cutting). I know it was mostly because I had an abusive mother and I was living in a toxic environment. I don’t know why you feel the way you do or who made you feel this way. Did something happen that you want to talk about? You are an amazing person so I am pretty sure that these feelings didn’t just come from no where. I wish I had some magic words to say but I don’t. If I had my shit together I would probably not be here on this site. When I was at my lowest I used to read books like Conversations with God and try to expose myself to more positive thinking. It helped keep me alive. I hope you can find some source of peace. Just know that you’re not alone. I’m rooting for you and I’m here to listen if you need to get things off your chest.
Dyinginny, I am rooting for you too, it’s a great thing you can talk about your cuting and food issues in past tense, I know one is never totally free of them, so it is nice you are now ok… And thank you for your support, count with mine too.
I know i should have one… but no, I don’t have a story nor an explanation … not a complicated one… that makes it all more confusing for me… all families have issues right?… mine is one of those… nothing weird… it’s not my past, it’s not the others… I don’t know what it is… is it a bad thing? Not having a real reason to want to disappear?
When I’m able to look at it impartially I tend to think yes.
I have NO idea what to do with that, though.
Valiant: 🙂
Hugs to you too
I agree with you
Sorry if I implied that you need a reason. You are absolutely right, you don’t need a reason for the way you feel. You are just intelligent and sensitive and that’s ok. Now that I’ve read your comments I can see that school must be very stressful. I hated being a student. That alone would probably depress me.
Thanks. I do appreciate the sentiment.
Dyinginny, … 🙂
Do please count with me, anytime… Hugs and hugs for you… I can’t give you much more, so hugs to you
I’m here if you need someone to talk to MP. One can only fake being for so long before things come crumbling down. At some point, you need that someone you can just break down to, let the mask fall off and really show what you’re feeling inside. Faking is exhausting. I don’t really know what to say to make you feel better. I barely have my shit together. I can only offer an ear and listen, and you don’t have to be okay with me. The masks can fall off and you can be you and you don’t have to apologize for it. You don’t have to apologize for being you.
My email is ylemfree at gmail
🙂 thank you… I do really appreciate this