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better, not better

by evildandelions

Sometimes I feel like my depression is better, that this is just grief and anxiety.  But even if it is, it doesn’t feel any easier.  Maybe I can enjoy things more, sort of- I was able to paint this weekend- but on the other hand I can’t seem to write creatively.  I had a short story due and for the first time since junior year of high school (about a decade ago), I missed a writing deadline. It was just like my brain wasn’t there. And while I can blame anxiety for my procrastination on my math homework, I can’t on the writing. Not fully. I just don’t feel creative.  It’s like I don’t have the mental energy.

And sometimes I don’t think the depression is better, not significantly enough.  I still feel like I can’t be normal, that I can’t relate to anyone remotely normal.  I feel like (am scared?) that I’m going to be alone forever, that I’ll never find someone who I want to spend my life with and who wants to spend their life with me, let alone find them in time to have a family.  I’m scared I won’t be able to ever experience pregnancy because of PCOS anyway.

I’m a mess this morning.  If this is grief, I thought it was supposed to get easier with time- because it doesn’t feel like it has.

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Moneypenny 2/9/2016 - 10:49 am

You have too many things in your head. Don’t worry so much about that so far away future, life spins around to much to control things so far ahead.
Try and focus on the writing thing. Write a line then go do something else and if you feel like it, keep on thinking in your story, walk with a tiny book in your pocket and write separate ideas.
Don’t burden yourself with the obligation to sit and write. Write without noticing it, do it when an idea comes, don’t judge that idea. At some moment you may feel like organizing them all. But don’t push yourself. Just do it little by little.

dyinginny 2/9/2016 - 11:21 am

Being in school is stressful but it isn’t forever. Life is full of ups and downs. Maybe try taking a break and giving your mind a rest. Meditate, do yoga, watch a movie, read a book, listen to music. If you listen to music, really focus on the music (or whatever you do). The point is to pause the worry because the worrying is what destroys us. Don’t doubt that you can find someone. There are guys out there worrying just like you, feeling that they don’t fit in just like you. And my best friend had PCOS and has a healthy beautiful daughter. As Moneypenny said, try not to worry to far ahead. Try to stay focused in the present as much as possible. You could also try going to a counselor at school and talking about your fears. In any case, I’m rooting for you. I hope you get through this. You are obviously an intelligent and sensitive person.

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