I’m pretty sure it was a month or 2 ago that I made a post saying that I was hopefully leaving this world and that it could very possibly be my last post. Nope. It didn’t pan out the way I would’ve wanted it to so I’m still here. Around the time I found out it wasn’t going to happen my mother took notice for once of my depression. So it was about 4 years ago that my mother moved me away from my friends and I haven’t made any since, partially due to my social anxiety but also a lack of opportunity. Anyway my mother got it into her head that my lack of friends was at the root of my depression, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t have a part to play, it certainly isn’t at the root though but that’s a story for another time. She had me get on a bus and travel almost 10 hours to my home town to see my friends in attempt to make me happy again; It didn’t work. I spent a month there and in that time I actually lost my only friends. My mother finally came to pick me up and on the way home I very bluntly told her I wanted to kill myself and my reasons why, her initial reaction was to shrug it off. Later that week she broke down in tears and told me that I two options: seek therapy, or she would send me to a mental institution. Since I already have plans to shoot myself in the head with a shotgun this summer I couldn’t go with the second option and I’m not really one for therapy I didn’t want to go with option one either. So I took advantage of her bad memory and convinced her that I hadn’t said I was going to kill myself, only that it was something I considered but only as a last resort if I can’t put my life together. It got her off my back and now I can carry out my plan this summer, which is only possible because my hair-brained hunter brother bought a shotgun and wants me to try shooting a shotgun for the first time and because I’ve worked up the courage I needed to not be dependant on having a partner. Unlike my previous post I can rest assured that the next time I say goodbye on this site, it will be for good.
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2 comments
:/
Sorry
Do you have a nice relationship with your brother? Can’t you talk to him?
Anyway…. sorry you are feeling like this…
I feel you don’t want to be told not to do it… so I am just gonna say it’s a hard thing what you are planning, be carefull with how you handle that thing, guns betray.
Don’t stop looking for someone to talk to untill the final moment.
Talk to someone, please.
I feel for u mate, just really think it through b4 u do it because there’s probably no coming back unless u believe in re-incarnation! Even then I bet if you’re suffering as bad as you are with depression a roll of the dice wouldn’t be a bad thing.
Really research the method and make sure you know what you’re doing because if it isn’t fatal it would make things much much worse. Not trying to scare you I just think you should research the failed attempts and why they fail, can’t go into detail in this post because talking about how to do it and planning is forbidden.
I hope your depression lifts somehow. medications don’t work for everyone and they have nasty side effects for lots of people and I understand not wanting to get on that merry-go-round. Gee I just wish some of us weren’t wired the way we are but there’s no shame in being wired the wrong way, people don’t choose the way their brain performs unfortunately 🙁
Lots of love to you , you have nobody but fellow sufferers of some kind of perpetual torment here 🙂