I’m done.

I’ll start this post by telling you my story. I’m 19 years old and I have been depressed my whole life. I’ve always felt like I don’t belong here and I’ve wanted to kill myself ever since I can remember even though I didn’t have a good enough reason. Nevertheless, I wasn’t strong enough and I never got the courage I needed to do it mainly because I didn’t want to hurt my family especially my mom. Nonetheless, ever since this year started I feel I can’t take it anymore. I had to drop university which I loved and finally was making friends (which got me into deeper depression: I couldn’t eat or sleep and I didn’t go out. I wasn’t taking care of myself at all) and soon after I found out I was pregnant. The father of my baby is Muslim which made things worse. I travelled all the way back to uni (I went to school abroad) just to let him know about the baby (he suspected I was pregnant from the beginning and was really mean about it), but he just mistreated me and wouldn’t take me seriously. He wouldn’t even talk to me anymore (I had feelings for him) and I found out he was hooking up with other girls despite the fact he told me he wanted to become more religious and wouldn’t even kiss me anymore. In the end, he promised me if I decided to keep it, he would like to know and be part of the baby’s life. The day after he said that I was either lying about being pregnant because according to him my ultrasound didn’t look 9 weeks or that if I was, it wasn’t even his. It broke my heart. I didn’t lie to him. He called me a liar and a whore, told me to stop messaging him (I had gone back to my country the day before), and then blocked me. I couldn’t stop crying and wasn’t taking much care of myself, and then I started bleeding. I got so scared because that is not normal when pregnant and I had made up my mind to keep my baby despite not having someone to help me raise it. I even had a name for it because I had a strong feeling it was a boy. That week I went to the doctor and they told me the bleeding meant I had a miscarriage. I lost my baby. Now I feel empty and alone, and I’m more depressed than ever. I can’t stop crying and feeling guilty for not taking care of myself and being sad over the father of my baby. I wanted to have it so much. My family made me go to a psychiatrist and he put me on medication, but it’s not helping. If anything, I feel worse. I just wanna end it, but I’m not sure how and I don’t want to fail if I attempt it. I’m planning on overdosing with my antidepressants and alcohol. I want to stop the pain I’m feeling and I just don’t want to be alive anymore. I feel useless and stupid. My mom thinks I’m dumb and a waste of space and to my sister I am the devil. I wanna close my eyes, go to sleep, and never wake up. I just wish to be gone.