I may be suicidal, but most importantly, it was this year when I got full on serious about it.
In other news I think I’m getting a fever.
Look, of course in the past I was suicidal and got a fever too, but this is different.
This year I am serious. And being sick right now is not what I am needing.
Urgh I just can’t take this. Why today? What the hell? I got a whole lotta stress too in school, right AFTER finishing the exams.Its just the most difficult to be seriously suicidal and get a cold because what the hell I want to die now more than ever. This is probably one of my most whiniest rants ever.
I have no friends, i am trying to spark back some type of conversation with a friend who got rid of me 1 month ago, but I have no one.
Urgh I just want to cry and die already.
But no:
I can’t cry because my nose is burning and running.
I can’t die because I have a few months left of planning.
Someone kill me.
Oh my lord I can’t take this at all.
12 comments
@GT: hey just a thought but are any of your cuts infected?
No, no.
Nothing like that.
Just sick.
This is terrible though.
Thank you for replying it meant a lot to me.
I have no friends.
I have absolutely no friends.
I am sick and loathe myself more than ever.
I want to die so badly right now.
Look how sad it is, I even do this on email: I write to myself bexause I have no one.
If there was ever a day I was more positive about suicide its today.
What grade are you in?
Grade 10. Next year is my last year of high school, from where I live.
And my biggest fear is graduating.
I don’t want to make it past graduating.
I don’t want to walk up the stage and pick up a diploma and keep living.
Its my biggest fear.
But here is the thing, you will be able to leave, get away from the toxic people you live with.
If you keep walking, you can put this behind you. I’m not going to say it gets better, but it gets different, and you will change and be different the more you continue walking forward. Many people, myself included, think things will never change, but truthfully, it is so slow and gradual I never noticed how much I changed until I really tried to compare who I am today with who I was at 17. At 17 I had isolated myself from everyone I knew and loved and fantasized day and night about injuring myself and those that had injured me. Dark times really dark times.
I kept walking, I had a lot of years of darkness and when I look back on my early 20’s all I see is desperation and sadness. But I kept walking and the fog slowly lifted. But at 17 i was about ready to end it, I saw no future, no one helped me find any future. The people charged with loving me took away my scholarship opportunities, my ability to get a drivers license, my own mother tried to get me fired from my job, the job that was about the only way I could purchase clothing and sometimes food. But I kept walking Along the way I found hands to hold, sometimes temporary hands, some of them are still hand that I hold. Some of the hands I pulled along with me, others pulled me.
Family is who you chose GT, it isn’t who is related to you.
Hi there GT. If you don’t mind, you can message me. treygo47@gmail.com. We can chat about whatever you want. I’ll gladly listen without bias or judgement. Please email me, whenever you have the chance, okay?
I appreciate the little talk to.
You guys don’t know how one simple message can give me some hope.
I’m terrified of days like today: days where the desperate feelings swallow me up and I seek solace in offing myself immediately.
But the only methods I have are those with little positive success rates: liike overdose, or rapidly grabbing a belt to hang myself with.
Failing is my other fear.
Imagine the shame of waking up.
Oh man.
I’m afraid of everything.
I have an intense fear of amnesia. That scares me so freaking much. It’s like: I get amnesia, forget everything. First thing I remember is my fear of amnesia, and then the way it’s portrayed in the movies and stuff freaks me out even more….
Yes, I know a single message can be a very hopeful. Even a hopeful post can be very effective.
So, Let’s Cheers to hope. 🙂
I myself don’t even have a single friend in my life. I care too much. No one cares about it. Last year I made 2 new friends. I was very serious but both didn’t cared. One ended hurting me and another was just ignorant. I learned something. Even though they wasn’t truly friend but they still helped me to keep myself alive unknowingly. I used to go out and eat foods with them. ( sometimes I still like food.)
So even now when I know they are not my friend. Sometimes when I feel like eating outside, I call the ignorant one 😛 ( I may not enjoy his company but I can enjoy food, sometimes 🙂 )
GTsuicide. At 14, I also didn’t see myself graduating high school. I couldn’t bring myself to suicide though, because my biggest fear is failing. I thought, for the heck of it, I’ll graduate. Failing my last HS grade was going to be reason enough for me to kill myself. Then, I passed with amazing marks. I was among the top ten students in my district. The best student in my school. I was accepted into medical school. In my first year, I tried to disembowel myself because I couldn’t deal with everything. Then, my neighbours started harassing me because I was making something successful of myself. I thought, I’ll show these suckers. I pushed the thoughts to the back of my head even when their harassment didn’t stop. Then, they killed my brother in front of me. He was trying to protect me from them.
Now, I’m in final year of medical school. I should be looking forward to graduating, but I’m not. I want to die really badly. Can’t do that either when family is dependent on me. I’m stuck.
I should have ended it a long time ago, now, I can’t even end it.
I know how you feel. I’m at the exact same point myself.