At this point in my life, I feel like I’m just overwhelmed with sadness. It’s genuinely at a point where I feel like I’m going to cry all the time because I’m just so intensely sad. All the joy of life has been beaten out of me inch by inch over my 41 years.
But it’s hit me really hard recently. My best friend was just dumped by her husband of 10 years for a younger woman, so I’ve been doing what a friend does and being there as much as possible for her. But part of her initial and possibly unhealthy reaction to this has been to go full slut and start dating anyone she can because the sexual attention makes her feel good. I get it.
But here I am, a short, dumpy, gay, trans girl watching my tall, thin, blonde, straight, cis friend go on a date every fucking night of the week forcing me to reflect on the fact that I haven’t been on a date in 6 years and have all but given up.
My empathetic desire to support my friend in need is actively hurting me because it feels like it’s just throwing in my face all the ways in which I’m broken and will never be happy. What’s more is I can’t even tell her, because she needs healing, not my bullshit baggage.
So now I’m actively resentful of my best friend and I spend every night drinking and crying so much that I pass out, because if I go blackout drunk, at least then I won’t hurt myself, but the reality is I just want to fucking die and end it.
6 comments
I totally get the idea about being so overwhelmed that the tears are ready to burst at any moment.
I was like that Thursday night (and many other times too; Thursday was just the most recent one).
And wow, I can also see how rough it would be to see the friend getting a zillion dates.
That would be hard for me to deal with. I’d want to be glad for her healing process, but at the same time, ouch.
Additional ouch: I have not been on a date since 1995.
Heh, that happens, i’ve had it happen myself on a lower scale lately. Consoling a friend, that has it lots better than i do in the dating department, only to see lots of chances for him, and none for me. Now that he’s found someone again (after going through like a catalog of love interests) he wants me to hang out with them… yeah, right. There’s a limit to the support thing you know, if it’s hurting you that much, it means that you’ve already done more than you can handle… and tbh, seems like your friend is not having much of a trouble adapting to her new life. You can always support her from a distance too, so it doesn’t get to you that much.
Not that it matters, but i don’t even remember when was the last time i was in an actual date.
The slutty friend while im lonely story hurts so much i feel hurt just reading your story. I used to smoke my brains out to cope my version of it. You have to limit your time with your friend because it is hurting you. That and/or just outright tell her it is hurting you i havent been on a date since 2013 its one of 4 my entire life.
I feel for you. It’s cool that you’re supporting your friend, but I’m thinking maybe you should do some things to support yourself. You should stop putting yourself down. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and I’m sure you have plenty to offer other people, as you are demonstrating by being there for your friend.
Maybe take some inspiration from her: she got dumped, so what does she do? She goes all-in trying to satisfy her needs.
If one were exceedingly cruel, one could argue that you have been passive with regards to satisfying your own needs. You need love, you need someone, but you don’t seem to be going out there and getting it, or at least trying to get it. She is.
You’re actually supporting someone who doesn’t sound like they need the support as much as you yourself do.
Take care and a million hugs from me.
I have lots to offer people. I’m actually amazing person and mildly successful (film career growing), but I’m also keenly aware of who and what I am. There are severe blockades in the way of me finding someone and I’m either not outgoing enough or not attractive enough, or really, just too much of a societal freak for any self-respecting lesbian to consider.
It seems mean to tell my friend right now that she’s hurting me because she’s hurting too. There’s also the added problem with the fact that I don’t have a lot of friends and she’s really my only close friend, so if I distance myself from her, I’m really just being more alone than usual, which hurts for obvious reasons.
Also… it gets better? No it doesn’t. It does not get better. You just get more numb. I’m kind of accepting my new role slowly slipping towards full blown alcoholic. At least when I’m drunk I’m not crying.