I fucked up really bad. I messed up my presentation. I had a panic attack in class. It was so embarrassing.
I had to leave school early. I was sent home so I can pull myself together. I have an exam tomorrow. I don’t know how I’ll make it through that.
When I got home to tell my parents I had a terrible day, that I couldn’t concentrate in class, my father threw a fit.
He told me, I don’t have the right to feel terrible. All of the problems in my family are because of me. I don’t have the right to say things are hard for me. If I want to quit school, I should just do it already, and stop whinning.
My brother died because of me. It would have been better if I were the one to die. Why don’t I just die already? He is tired of all the problems I have been causing for him.
He can’t wait to bury me. He already has a casket picked out for me. I should just die already.
I can’t sleep. I have school tomorrow and this horrible case of insomnia.
The only reason I’m still here is because of my mother.
20 comments
Does he really have a casket picked out for you?
He was sorting out the family’s funeral policy today. Might have picked it out then. Who knows?
I am so, so sorry friend. I wish I could reach through the computer screen and punch him in the face.
Please don’t tell yourself that it’s your fault that your brother is dead. It isn’t. It’s entirely the fault of the monsters that killed him.
Thank you whiskered… I wasn’t even angry when he said it. I didn’t even cry. I cried the first time he told me to just kill myself already. Now I’m just numb and I don’t really care anymore.
He is preparing my funeral. How thoughtful of him. Maybe I should help him with the arrangements.
I was just trying to find out how to write to you. Been thinking about your presentation. Sorry about the panic attack.
Don’t mix things together, please.. one thing is what happened today another is what is already in the past.
Fathes don’t know how to talk. Don’t take him so seriously.
What are you thinking now?
I haven’t been able to find your mail adress … sorry
I could feel it over the weekend. I could just tell that something terrible was going to happen.
It’s not the first time he’s told me to die. The next thing he’ll be groveling at my feet and asking for forgiveness. He does this all the time.
He is a bit delusional and an alcoholic, but all that doesn’t excuse everything he does to us. As much as he takes care of us, he is also very verbally abusive, especially when he’s drunk.
If I am to make it through this year, I should leave home.
I think leaving home will help you to have a better relationship with your parents… it could be a good idea. It will be like watching them from afar without actually being apart… like when you enjoyed watching them interact I’m the bbq.
And yet if you can do this maybe you’ll feel better at your studies and in that way you will be able to help your family sooner, in a better mood and without so much pressure. … is this a real option?
Yes. That’s why I’m leaving. Thanks. This place is just toxic now. I used to love being at home. I can’t believe how much I hate it here now.
🙂 let us know about it
Is there a possibility that you can talk to your teacher (the one of the presentation today)? Is that an important grade?
The teacher was the one who sent me home. I’ll have to do it some other day.
That’s a good thing them. Rest a while… do you have to study for your exam? Or are you ok?
I haven’t slept much, but I’ll be fine. I pretty much know my work. It’s just the personal stuff that gets to me.
I’ll talk to a therapist tomorrow, just to keep my head clear.
You are not what your father defines you as. You are so much better than that.
So much more than that, we can all notice it
Thank you guys. For the first time I actually feel like I belong. Funny how it’s on a suicide forum…
agreed u have so much to offer
So do you, twix. How about you stick around with us a little while longer?
Your father is a piece of shit..is there any relatives you can live with? I don’t think its safe for you there
Alcoholic piece of shit. I’m going to live with my uncle. I can’t wait to get out of this place.