Everything about me is one big fat motherfucking LIE!
My smile…. Fake as Fuck.
My conversation with people… Lies
Conversation with my family… Lies
I’M DYING people! I’m really dying.
I secretly cry in my room, wipe away my tears and have supper with my family like nothing happened.
My frown immediately turns upside down if someone asks if I’m okay.
I’m tired. I’m tired of faking. I’m tired of crying in silence. I’m just tired of everything. I’m tired of life.
I don’t want to be here anymore. But I can’t go just yet. I keep saying this over and over again. I keep repeating myself over and over again. But it still doesn’t sink in. No matter how deep and intense the urge to kill myself is, I can’t. I can’t end it. For the people around me. For my family.
This makes me feel stuck and trapped in this life I don’t want to live. In this world I don’t want to be in. I will have to stick around, keep faking and lying for a decade or more, just to keep the people around me happy.
I really can’t do this anymore. The pain is too intense. The pain is too much for me to take.
I don’t feel alive. I don’t feel anything. I don’t even feel pain anymore.
What the fuck do I have to do to actually feel alive? What do I have to do to feel human? To feel like I belong in this world? Because seeing blood doesn’t cut it anymore.
30 comments
I don’t want to be in pain either. What pains you? What would make you happy?
What pains me is the fact that I feel nothing. I feel so empty. Nothing will ever make me happy. No one will ever love a person like person. A person so out of touch with the world and humanity. A person who sees no point to life. A person who doesn’t even feel alive.
If someone could make me feel alive, perhaps I would be happy. I don’t really know.
I feel the same way I can’t leave just yet either as for feeling alive u said the blood don’t cut it do u self harm ?
Yes, I self harm. Everyday now. It’s not helping anymore. I don’t know what as else to do to cope with all this pain.
Hi Ylem, I have been thinking of you. It has been a long week a long month.
Sorry you are in this pain. Sorry you’ve been in it for so long. Sorry things are becoming even worst.
I wish you could feel better, ain’t much… but I care.
Write to me.
Hey MP. I’ve been thinking about you as well lately. I have exams this week, so all I’ve been doing is studying. I’ve moved away from home finally. Even though things are moving in the right direction, my pain doesn’t subside. The pain is always there. It never goes away. I also feel like my psychiatrist doesn’t care that much about me. I still haven’t started my psychotherapy sessions for reason I don’t know, and I’m really drowning. I have support from friends and family woth regards to the depression and PTSD, but none of them know I’m suicidal. They are also judgemental at times. They tell me I’m too negative, that I magnify my symptoms and make things seem worse than they really are. That really hurt me. They have no idea what I have been going through. They don’t know how I’ve been feeling and they make comments like that. I’m alone in this. I’m all alone. I will have to fight this on my own, even with the support that I have. I’m alone.
:/ Ylem one of the most hated advices is this one: be patient. I know it’s a hateful thing to say. But of course you are not fine yet. You just got to come out of your parents house and you know a wound that’s so profound and that has been bleeding for so long as yours won’t heal in a couple of weeks, not even in a couple of months. You have to let that pain come out and you have to keep on looking for ways to not to reopen it.
So be patient with yourself. You need so much care and love. But yes, you have to give it to yourself. others can only be by your aide in the process and I am also here for you.
You know there are several things. You know that you are not fighting against just the depression, not just against the PTSD, not just against the difficulties you are facing in your career, not just against the complexity of dealing with your father, not just against the feeling you still have about what happened, but also you are fighting against them all at the same time and sum to it the cuting, being a young adult in this society and trying to find someone at the same time.
Let’s say it: it’s a lot, A LOT.
So take it easy.
You are strong but no body can face that many things at the same time and and expect to be ok I’m a couple of weeks….
Baby steps? Sounds that bad? And yes it hurts, specially wanting to hurt oneself to feel anything, and your body is no longer feeling as it was supposed to, and now all you have are ideas,like knowing you should care. Well for now those ideas are your feelings, feed them. Pay attention to them…
But I can’t do much. I can’t tell you things are supposed to be in an specific way.
But talk to me any time.
What do you think of what I am saying?
Sorry to hear that I self harm to your not alone isit emotional pain your going though right now ?
Yes. Emotional pain sucks the life out of me. I’m fighting the urge to cut. I haven’t for the past 2 days. I don’t think I will tonight as well.
I’m going though emotional pain to I no how you kind of feel I self harm to reduce the pressure build up from the emotional pain your not alone in here if u would like to talk
I really would like to talk Drowning. I’m fighting the urge to cut. Not tonight. Fight with me please.
Thats a part of it. And it matters to think about it: not tonight, just not tonight. it’s part of getting to feel better. This can be part of the starting point.
Sorry I am commenting this much.
But, as I see it, it’s a good thing you are thinking like this
U can have my email if u would like to talk ?
That’s nice of you Drowning. I’d like that.
@Ylem31, first thing id like to say is that im sorry your having such a tough time. You shouldnt have to feel like your feelings dont matter by those arround you, but (and this took me way too long to realise) you dont have to have the feelings others expect you to have, you dont have to have them to validate the way you feel for it to be ok to feel the way you do and most importantly its perfectly ok to feel the way you do. not everyone can understand the way you feel because not everyone goes through it so they cant understand. its not your fault and its not their fault, they just cant comprehend something they didnt personally go through. and its not all lies, Even I, who barely know you can see what a strong and compassionate person you are. your a good person and you can beat this, cutting is an addiction and i know your stronger than it, you can outlast the urge, you just have to find your reason to fight, until then, just lean on your friends here for support, you can do this mate, i believe in you.
Peace&Love
Thank you for you kind words Procel. These people don’t know what I’m going through. What I have had to put up with over the years. I have been putting up a front for so long, pretending like I’m okay. I just feel like they don’t want to give me room to finally have my breakdown. To finally say I’ve had enough. This is all I can take. They are forcing me to keep faking in a way, even when I’m starting to show the real me. That’s why I prefer to take on this on my own and not rely on anyone, because people are just so fucking judgemental. SP is the only place I can be myself and not be judged for it.
I know that feeling, everyone around you just wants everything to be normal so you just smile and go along with it while you scream and cry inside, you scream and shake so much you begin to wonder why it doesnt show on the outside, you feel like your holding yourself together with bits of frayed string that should have broken by now but somehow they havent so you keep going, wanting to fully break but for some reason you hold yourself together, almost as if your afriad that once you finally let go you wont be able to put yourself together again and after each attempt t reach out you get no response until you realise that you have to do this yourself because no one else can help? am i close? If so then i want you to know your not alone, and that you can get through it, its not an easy journey but you can do it. and if i wasnt close then just feel free to ignore this as mindless ramblings :p appoligies for spelling mistakes, damn dyslexia tends to act up when im tired
I am dealing with a lot. These people don’t understand that. What you said is something I have been thinking about a lot. It makes a lot of sense. Its the pain that I can no longer take. The chronic feelings of emptiness are just too much. I want to feel something that will remind me I’m alive. But there is nothing. It’s as if my heart is not even beating anymore. I want to feel my heart beating.
I am going to be insensitive here. Can I joke about it?
1) scary movies! Easiest and cheapest therapy to help you ahout and feel.
2) go out jogging (I remember you say no gym but you can always go out and beat your body down with exercise )
Ok jk
What’s the option now?
OMG MP, scary movies are my favourite thing. Jogging… A friend has been pushing me to do it, but I’ve been stressed with exams lately. I’ll start soon. You are the bomb MP.
Actually seeing blood is only a temp way of feeling human. The bad thing with that kind of coping mechanisms is that eventually you crave for more, and it’s only a matter of time until they stop working completely (like you’re mentioning). I don’t have any answers other than sticking to therapy and continue to try to rebuild your life in the process, you might get back to what you were eventually (at least partially or not), but there isn’t much more that can be done.
Might be wrong here, but maybe that breakdown that you mention above is needed in order to finally overcome things (or to start overcoming them), but they might be trying to avoid it for as long as possible so when it hits you have some sort of solid ground to be able to endure it, and not being consumed by it. At some point you’re either going to walk away far enough to be safe from it or it’s just going to catch up with you, but the idea is that when and if it catches up, you can deal with it.
Sorry if i don’t have an answer or something better to comment, but i’d be a hypocrite if i said something about the fakeness, because it’s something i have to do everyday. At times i wonder if people are stupid enough to buy it, or if they just don’t care, because it is so painfully obvious at times that i can’t believe they buy it. Still, even if it’s fake, it’s a needed (sadly) step in order to try to fix somethings. I do hope things start working for you eventually.
Thank you Mf. Your words always mean so much to me. I’m not really sure if I remember the person I was before all of this. Actually, I think I’ve always been this way and went with it through the years with the help of my brother. Now that he’s gone, I have no one who understands me. No one to help me deal with it.
Yeah….not tonight. I’m trying to be strong.
Sorry for the late reply if u want to talk u can email me if u like I’m am fighting with u from the mental side of things I cut this afternoon but yeah emotional pain is hard I must say YL
@Procel… You were spot on. I reach a point where I think someone understands, but then, I feel like I become bothersome to that person. There’s actually one person who gets me right now. But now, I feel like I’m abusing his kindness because i’m alwaus leaning on him for help. He will get tired and irritated of me at one poimt and I will really be alone that time
And you want to know something about that feeling? its all in your head. you have to understand just how powerful your depression is, it twist everything and you dont even realise, trust me on this, i know it from so much crap and helping so many people, depression plays with your mind, it stops you reaching out because it makes you think your not worth the help, that the other person was only being nice, and that the more you look for help the more trouble you become and that is all bullshit. if the other person didnt want to help they wouldnt have offered, if your becoming too much to handle they will let you know, believe me. and most important is that you are indeed worth helping. and if this person cant cope then you just tag me in a post, or send me an email aaking for help and ill be there to help out. If you go to the comment page on the website anyone who comments on a post you wrote will have their email address displayed below their name, that email address for me is a real one, if ever you need it feel free to use it and ill get back to you as soon as possible. you dont have to use it now, just when you need help, be it today, tomorrow or next year, same goes for any member here btw
That is very sweet of you Procel. Thank you for the support.
@Drowning, I’m sorry you had to cut. I am putting my foot down tonight. No cuttong for me. I would like to talk to you via email. I need that.
Indigojones5@gmail.com there you go email me when ever your ready I may not reply as I have to get up early tomorrow but when I get time I will reply Ok 🙂
Are you feeling better today?