I haven’t really planned much I’d like to do in my final days or weeks. I see others like to treat themselves to an expensive meal, or visit somewhere special before they go. Me, I just don’t want to give my children’s father the chance to continue poisoning their minds against me for the rest of time. So maybe writing something for both of them to read when they’re older…. I don’t know. It all seems like so much effort. I’m beyond exhausted, every day is damage control. What about you? Have you thought of some things you’d like to do before it’s your time to go?
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“I’m beyond exhausted, every day is damage control.” Yessssssssssssss. Ditto.
Me? Well, if I could muster the energy, I’d like to climb up to the top of Mt. Whitney, polish off a nice bottle of Lambrusco, strip naked, and sit there peacefully watching the sun set, then fall asleep… forever. (Why am I naked? So my clothes won’t choke the buzzards).
But seeing how I’m beyond exhausted… well, nothing else comes to mind. I’ve pretty much lost my fascination with existence. But thanks for asking nonetheless.
HUGS,
Jack
Yeah, it just gets to the stage where I think ‘why bother’? I’ve been sick with chronic fatigue for 7 years now and it’s only getting worse. I’m 37. I don’t think things will get any better from this point on. I guess it’s nice to think we might go out doing some things we enjoy, but in the end it doesn’t really matter.
I had a lot of rough times when I was in my 30’s. My marriage collapsed. Before the divorce, my wife took our 12 cats and dumped them on a farm; to this day I have no idea where that farm is. But that was a very long time ago and they are all dead by now. How I survived that is still a mystery. The past 2 years have been even more difficult. But yeah, you’re right; in the end it doesn’t matter at all.
For whatever it’s worth, I do hope you can get better. But I understand; I feel the same way most of the time. I keep looking for something better, but it never comes. Every day is worse than the previous, thereby making every day of my life the worst day of my life.
Interesting you should mention Mt. Whitney, as my state of existence has steadily crumbled to daily aimless idling and suicidal ideation, have got the idea in my head to try and hike the Pacific Crest Trail, as a sort of Hail Mary to try and reconnect with some semblance of former more balanced self. As taking a day trip off the trail to hike Mt. Whitney is popular with many Thru-Hiker’s accounts, messing around with the idea of adding it to the itinerary.
…and if I do, perhaps will bring up a bottle of Lambrusco..
Daily damage control. This week was so intense it appears to have sent me into a kind of scary manic upswing. Which is why there are about 160 comments by me here today. It should be Sunflower Project because I pretty much just blew up some of the threads. which was rather rude to some of the people who had posted some heart felt things. Work in progress today. One that should go to bed.
Oh fuck sakes just delete that, it has nothing to do with what you posted, I read part of it. I’m an utter disaster tonight. My apologies. I don’t have a bucket list. If I kill myself it will be impulsive, ugly and bloody. No prep needed.
It’s ok, my mind is a mess too – can’t focus on anything. And I usually end up deleting half my comments without posting them.
“Impulsive, ugly and bloody.” Hahaha. Just yesterday I drove past a tree trimming operation where the guys had one of those huge machines that shred the logs. They’d just pick these huge logs and toss them into this machine and zzzzzzip, out comes sawdust. Well, I remember thinking to myself, “I should just take off running really fast and dive in head first.” That would certainly be impulsive, ugly and bloody. I laughed at that thought yesterday, and your comment made me re-live that macabre humor. Thanks!!!
I know what you mean about damage control, I feel like every day I’m just trying to cover my ass to act like I’m not falling apart and scrambling to fix all the things I keep messing up.
I dunno about doing anything special before I go. I don’t really have the financial means to go anywhere special or do something real exciting. I guess my treat to myself would be not having to damage control on my last day, not having to worry about what I’m doing or saying and what effect it could have in the future. I’d eat more junk food than is healthy- although I do that normally I guess. Ok, I’d eat even more junk food than I normally do, I’d pig out on salt and vinegar chips and chocolate and goldfish to my heart’s content and not feel an ounce of guilt. I’d brush off my friends if I didn’t feel like talking to them and I wouldn’t bother acting like I’m alright. I think that’d be enough for me. To be honest, I think just that would feel like a big special treat before I go and it’d be more than enough for me.
Oh, I absolutely know what you mean! Everything I’m doing right now in my life, it’s with the thoughts in the back of my mind of trying to attempt to make my future better, even though I’m not sure I have one. Having one last day of just doing whatever the hell you feel like, and damn the consequences would be great! I might just take a few benzos so I can feel relaxed enough to tell a few people exactly what I think of them, while I still have the chance.