The satiety center in my brain is on overdrive craving entertainment, but my appetite for joy is like anhedonic quicksand enveloping every attempt at satisfaction. I have been searching for something, can’t really say what it is.
At times it feels like I need social interaction, but nothing really curbs that needy feeling. I can hardly talk to my closest of friends. My old internet community doesn’t feel welcoming anymore as I pissed the majority of them off (imagine that =P.). I can’t find a place to call home really, not any longer at least. I sought out an old girlfriend, our relationship formed into a friendship over the years. The interaction was refreshing, but fresh is always ephemeral, now I feel too lethargic to provide proper conversation.
I revisit old hobbies or things that have given me bountiful joy and reward, tinkering with computers, writing journal entries, endlessly eating, and marathon-ing television, yet nothing scratches the itch. I’ve even tried mitigating my mood by riding a bike around. I even jerk it more, yea I said it.
Feel sluggish and inadequate, feel a bit stagnant. It also feels like there isn’t enough time in the day to pursue the very something I am looking for. I would honestly find great joy in casting every obligation and responsibility aside just to spend the time locating that something, but I know if I did it still wouldn’t be enough. I feel guilty when I am not, and worst of all I feel like I could spend the whole day taking care of business, but still feel like I am shit, that I accomplished nothing.
I guess I will go wash my balls off.
JOY TO THE WORLD!
1 comment
Thought #1: I really like the expression “anhedonic quicksand”. I have times like that too and I understand!
Thought #2: This might be the first time I have ever read the sentence “I guess I will go wash my balls off.”