I hate my cutting scars so much. I have really horrible ones of my wrist since I cut myself really deep, so deep that I cut really sick from blood loss and had to stay in bed for like two days and it keep re-opening even after a month. I don’t usually cut myself on my wrists, but I didn’t I was going to live long enough for it to matter. I also have many raised scars on my hips which are much easier to hide. Usually I cover the ones on my wrist with a bandage so that no one can see them and I don’t have to wear long sleeves because in spring and summer it gets very hot where O live, except at work I always wear long sleeves.
It’s getting increasingly harder to hide them and come up with excuses for constantly bandaging my wrist. I’m so worried about future job not hiring me because of them and I know they will never completely heal and it’s very apparent what they’re from. I live in a very conservative place where mental illness is not accepted and people are very judgmental. I’m afraid if I ever have kids then I will have to explain it to them. I can’t ever stay at friend’s houses. I can’t ever go swimming again and I love swimming and going to the lake. I’m constantly worried about people seeing my scars. My family has seen them so I don’t have to cover them at home. There’s also this guy that I’ve been talking to that I really like, but I know I can never date him because I couldn’t hide my scars from him and I know no one where I live could ever accept my scars. I’m 20 years old and honestly one day I’d like to have a boyfriend and to have sex again, since I didn’t have these scars with my last boyfriend. All of my friends want me to go out with them and have fun and to go one dates and meet guys, but I’m so uncomfortable and afraid someone will see them. They are stopping me from living my life and it’s making me so miserable. I think part of it is that they’re such an awful reminder of what I was feeling when I did that to myself and somehow if anyone saw them it would be very traumatic. I showed them to one friend because she went to a mental hospital and attempted suicide and I supported her through it, but afterwards she stopped being my friend.
I’ve tried many things to make them better, I’ve exfoliated them and used lemon juice, vitamin E oil, Mederma, Scar Guard, and other things. They are too bad to be covered by makeup. I know they will never heal completely though and causes me so much shame and hurt. Sometimes I sit here and stare at them for long periods of time. My advice to everyone, don’t cut the scars aren’t worth it, I can never be comfortable publicly, I can’t ever get close to friends or have a boyfriend and I’ll have to hide them for the rest of my life.