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Scars are honestly wrecking my life.

by chelle428

I hate my cutting scars so much. I have really horrible ones of my wrist since I cut myself really deep, so deep that I cut really sick from blood loss and had to stay in bed for like two days and it keep re-opening even after a month. I don’t usually cut myself on my wrists, but I didn’t I was going to live long enough for it to matter. I also have many raised scars on my hips which are much easier to hide. Usually I cover the ones on my wrist with a bandage so that no one can see them and I don’t have to wear long sleeves because in spring and summer it gets very hot where O live, except at work I always wear long sleeves.

It’s getting increasingly harder to hide them and come up with excuses for constantly bandaging my wrist. I’m so worried about future job not hiring me because of them and I know they will never completely heal and it’s very apparent what they’re from. I live in a very conservative place where mental illness is not accepted and people are very judgmental. I’m afraid if I ever have kids then I will have to explain it to them. I can’t ever stay at friend’s houses. I can’t ever go swimming again and I love swimming and going to the lake. I’m constantly worried about people seeing my scars. My family has seen them so I don’t have to cover them at home. There’s also this guy that I’ve been talking to that I really like, but I know I can never date him because I couldn’t hide my scars from him and I know no one where I live could ever accept my scars. I’m 20 years old and honestly one day I’d like to have a boyfriend and to have sex again, since I didn’t have these scars with my last boyfriend. All of my friends want me to go out with them and have fun and to go one dates and meet guys, but I’m so uncomfortable and afraid someone will see them. They are stopping me from living my life and it’s making me so miserable. I think part of it is that they’re such an awful reminder of what I was feeling when I did that to myself and somehow if anyone saw them it would be very traumatic. I showed them to one friend because she went to a mental hospital and attempted suicide and I supported her through it, but afterwards she stopped being my friend.

I’ve tried many things to make them better, I’ve exfoliated them and used lemon juice, vitamin E oil, Mederma, Scar Guard, and other things. They are too bad to be covered by makeup. I know they will never heal completely though and causes me so much shame and hurt. Sometimes I sit here and stare at them for long periods of time. My advice to everyone, don’t cut the scars aren’t worth it, I can never be comfortable publicly, I can’t ever get close to friends or have a boyfriend and I’ll have to hide them for the rest of my life.

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7 comments

chelle428 3/31/2016 - 3:03 am

Now I’m going to watch Parks and Rec to cheer myself up.

headupunderdarkcloud 3/31/2016 - 3:10 am

“Treat yo self”.. My last girlfriend was and is beautiful, with scars all over from cutting. She was always so much more self-conscious about it than needed to be, but I guess it was her trying to distance herself from the past/place she was in when she did the cutting, and I could understand that, but it really never was an issue for me, and I gather isn’t for a lot of people.

chelle428 3/31/2016 - 3:19 am

That’s nice to hear that someone is accepting and doesn’t care and maybe I’ll meet someone like that someday. I just don’t know if I’ll ever be comfortable showing them, somehow showing them would take me back to where I was at when I did them and somehow someone else seeing them makes that pain more real. It’s just where I live mental illness is something that is frequently made fun of since I live in a state that’s mostly rural and small town and conservative. I’ve gone to school with people who make jokes about suicide, a kid committed suicide when I was in high school and people talked bad about him. It’s just hard to imagine people accepting it because I’ve been so terrified to share about my depression my whole life because people like that where I live are looked down upon a lot.

headupunderdarkcloud 3/31/2016 - 3:30 am

I feel ya about the small town syndrome, and it’s always easier said than done to move away. But maybe that could be an exciting option for you, relocate to a larger city, like not tomorrow, but in time..

Mr Angry-mosta tha time 3/31/2016 - 3:22 am

Yes the scars are a terribble thing, ive cut lightly and higher on my arm and i still hate it I really cant image how you feel but know that whoever is meant for you very likely will understand and wont be judgmental about it. Its so unfortunate you have to have them but at least your trying and want to connect with people still thats a big step on its own.

rayonhousefly 3/31/2016 - 3:22 am

Eventually, you’ll look at those scars in a different light. I used to feel exactly the same as you. But through time, I’ve grown to appreciate them for what they are: Reminders. Sure they can be negative reminders, but soon, after they heal, and they WILL heal, you will look at them lessons learned, experience gained. And that will make you feel powerful. They will be memories, reminders of how far you’ve come, and that as long as you keep fighting you can overcome anything.

It took me YEARS to regain the confidence to have my shirt off and be in the water without caring what people think of the marks on my body. But yet again, when you get there, you will be richer, in both wisdom and experience. Take comfort in the knowledge that that time will come, even if it takes years, or a decade, like it did for me. There are many of us out there, you aren’t alone.

chelle428 3/31/2016 - 3:43 am

Thank you, it meant a lot for me to hear that. I’m trying to see them in a more positive light and be glad I’m not in that place anymore and I made the decisions to get myself into a slightly better situation. I still have depression and some days are very hard and I feel a lot of stress, but I’m not so actively suicidal as I was back then. It’s been almost a year since I’ve cut. I hope you’re right and they do heal.

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