I had a job. A government job- with job security, promotion, retirement pension and all. I resigned on 2nd of this April. I have seen it all now. They can’t claim I was just a dreamer not knowing world and worldly ways. Though I hate society and its system to the very core of my being, I always gave them benefit of doubt thinking that maybe, just maybe they know something I don’t. Maybe things change with a job and responsibility. Anyway, on the positive note, nobody can claim I don’t have experience of worldly ways now. But it changed nothing. And I don’t know where to go now. I even came back from doorstep of Himalayas, the most shameful event of my life. It was my lifelong dream, and I proved out to be such a coward.
So what remains? I am passing my days watching fatalist movies, good old TV shows of 90s, and sleeping. I can’t figure anything out. This nihilism in me is just growing and growing, though I was never a nihilist in theory or practice. I have quite a few things I’m passionate about but that’s of no use because of my knowledge. Nothing is of no use.
What does it take to initiate things? What does it take to carry them forward (never mind outside problems)? A prospect. A result. Nothing gives fulfilling result because nothing is anti-death. Except one thing, but I seem to have given that up too because if I’m not even courageous enough to endure the darkness of Himalayas what else can I further achieve in this direction?
Still I have this hope. It’s so sticky that I now feel disgusted of it. And it’s not of deep kinds either. It’s shallow; so shallow that it changes every few seconds, with every third thought.
I know what I’m supposed to do. I know my life’s purpose. And most probably I’m going to waste it. Waste what my previous lives gave me, waste what universe gave me. I can only hope my next life will carry a little learning from this life. I think I learned a few original things about suffering. They seem to be of worth to me. I wouldn’t want my next life to waste time learning them again. [Sorry for including superstition. It’s from the soft side. Though I have a few personal evidences too.]
I wish I move some more in this life. If only I could. I know I will keep trying, and I will keep trying, but I have sort of come to know my depth.
1 comment
“Though I hate society and its system to the very core of my being”
This. I agree with you on this one. I don’t like how the people who have done nothing wrong still get punished for the faulty law system. No one wants to take care of disabled people who can’t take care of themselves. Some disabled people just end up killing themselves. Many people who commit crimes have reasons to do so- because of poverty, mental issues etc but their problems aren’t taken into consideration. They are killed without a second thought. And those people who are the real sadistic bastards are playing with our lives everyday and getting paid for it.
Nowadays it’s all about money. If you have 0 cash with you, then your value in the eyes of society is 0. No one cares if you can’t earn because you are disabled or anything.
But hey, this universe isn’t perfect and that’s how it’s going to be. Life is perfectly imperfect. Or is it imperfectly perfect? I am not sure.
I hope that you can find the strength to continue with your life.