I sit here in utter amazement like I have so many times before, paralyzed stuck on the couch where I’ve been since last night on the down side of this GOD FORSAKEN rollercoaster. It seems like the older I get, there’s not as many highs as there used to be just down, deeper and deeper, when I finally do reach the bottom there’s not even a little bit of light anymore, and it takes so long to reach the top again, I suppose I will get up soon and try and find something, anything to ease the pain like I’ve had to do so many times before, it feels like a cancer eating away at my heart, ( what’s left of it ) my being, my very soul. The only thing that I have left in this rotten world is my youngest daughter, she’s all that is good and pure in my life, but like my other kids, I can’t keep her from growing. I wish that I could because she is the true definition of ” daddy’s girl ” but even she’s getting to the age that she’s starting to wanna hang out with her friends and like my other babies, I am so proud of her and couldn’t love her anymore, lmao she’s the only thing keeping me here, if I didn’t have her I would’ve just bowed out gracefully awhile ago. Unfortunately for me though she’s really smart, and even though I don’t give any clue of how I feel, she knows and I know she knows, the GOOD LORD knows that I’ll never win father of the year and I was young when I first became a dad, I always took care of my family, worked so much so they could have everything that I couldn’t as a child, but I didn’t give them enough of me or my time, wasn’t there for them emotionally. I was selfish and I’m paying the price for it now, because when my oldest son was killed 4 years ago the rest just walked away. In my defense kids don’t come with instruction manuals, so I had to learn from my mistakes and I feel that I have, just too little, too late. Well I guess I’m done with my little pity party, it’s time to go get the stuff to ease my pain, Thank you for letting me post, I wish you all well.