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And……. Here we go again.

by noneedforaname

I sit here in utter amazement like I have so many times before, paralyzed stuck on the couch where I’ve been since last night on the down side of this GOD FORSAKEN rollercoaster. It seems like the older I get, there’s not as many highs as there used to be just down, deeper and deeper, when I finally do reach the bottom there’s not even a little bit of light anymore, and it takes so long to reach the top again, I suppose I will get up soon and try and find something, anything to ease the pain like I’ve had to do so many times before, it feels like a cancer eating away at my heart, ( what’s left of it ) my being, my very soul. The only thing that I have left in this rotten world is my youngest daughter, she’s all that is good and pure in my life, but like my other kids, I can’t keep her from growing. I wish that I could because she is the true definition of ” daddy’s girl ” but even she’s getting to the age that she’s starting to wanna hang out with her friends and like my other babies, I am so proud of her and couldn’t love her anymore, lmao she’s the only thing keeping me here, if I didn’t have her I would’ve just bowed out gracefully awhile ago. Unfortunately for me though she’s really smart, and even though I don’t give any clue of how I feel, she knows and I know she knows, the GOOD LORD knows that I’ll never win father of the year and I was young when I first became a dad, I always took care of my family, worked so much so they could have everything that I couldn’t as a child, but I didn’t give them enough of me or my time, wasn’t there for them emotionally. I was selfish and I’m paying the price for it now, because when my oldest son was killed 4 years ago the rest just walked away. In my defense kids don’t come with instruction manuals, so I had to learn from my mistakes and I feel that I have, just too little, too late. Well I guess I’m done with my little pity party, it’s time to go get the stuff to ease my pain, Thank you for letting me post, I wish you all well.


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Ant1983 4/21/2016 - 10:15 pm

Very touching words, I can understand a lot of them. as we get older things do seem to be just downer after downer :-/ When I see people post that are down about not sure about starting college, uni or work etc I think in some ways Its good that a person still has all of toughs possibilities to come, even if at the time they do seem a worry… it is still something, good or bad its something to come. What is next when you’ve done education, had good jobs, had partners/marriages and have children? Just left with nothing ahead but a void just absolute nothingness just living for others, and you realise that even after everything ultimately it is always back to the bottom, alone. Where you can see everything returns back to shit, cause everything that is good is only temporary, it never lasts it just comes and goes…

This is a song I wrote for my dad this year “What Time Has Done”

He is a deadbeat and tbh I still don’t hate him so I’m sure your children don’t hate you for having to be away working all the time to provide for them.

noneedforaname 4/22/2016 - 5:20 pm

Thank you and I appreciate that, there’s a couple of things that I’ve noticed about this site, it’s a wonderful place to vent ( and I definitely got that cover lol ) the other thing is there’s a lot of wonderful people such as yourself that reach out with words of encouragement, and most importantly, I’ve seen alot of young people who are wise beyond their years who take care of each other here, absolutely fantastic to see, I myself as I’m sure you know didn’t have that kind of structure back when we were young cause nobody knew what the Fuck we were going through, they call this generation narcissist, lazy, and with a sense of self entitlement and I can honestly say that I don’t see that here, all I can say is keep your head up brother, and let’s continue to show them that no matter how tough shit gets, there’s nothing that can not be over come, especially when you have solid people in your corner helping you through

distant.road 4/22/2016 - 12:19 am

I wanted to let you know that I read your post. If it’s helping you to write about what’s going on, then absolutely keep doing it. We’re here to listen and support you.

noneedforaname 4/22/2016 - 6:20 am

You know what ??? I butchered everybody s names and I apologize, they’re whiskered-fish and hazy sunshine, but I also forgot to mention forgotten, and claritee, again I apologize and great job on being positive for everybody.

noneedforaname 4/22/2016 - 6:07 am

Thank you, I see that after reading the posts and other people’s replies and I’m trying to follow suit, I’m probably alot older than most here, and I’ve been dealing with my demons for around 40 years or so, I’ve learned to keep them under control some what and I’m able to do that in part by venting when the Shit hits the fan lol. But I’ve noticed you, and cordless and whiskerfish and hazel sunshine and a few others, ( hope I got everybody’s names right ) but anyways I applaud you guys, great job on staying positive.

Cordless 4/22/2016 - 7:22 am

You’re welcome to vent any time you need to.
That’s why we’re here. 🙂

I’ve been dealing with my own demons for over 40 years also.
Tiring and exhausting, isn’t it?


noneedforaname 4/22/2016 - 7:57 am

Tired and exhausting ??? Absolutely, I I’m sorry, I hate seeing anybody go through this mess, but I believe it takes someone very special and strong person to deal with everything that we have to,

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