Hello everybody, i haven’t posted in a while but found some things out and felt the need to share. Some of you know my story, of the things I’ve lost and what brought me to this site. I recently found out that my friend that cost me my business was also talking to and keeping my wife company whenever i was out of town for work. Of course my first thoughts were to hunt him down and beat him like an animal. After a cooling down period i just let it go, I’ve been divorced for over a year now so the damage is done. Now i found out that his wife caught him cheating and has divorced him. Also he is spun out on crank and has lost his home, all his vehicles, sold everything he had and now staying wherever he can. Amazing seeing how 4 years ago he was making between 5-7 million a year with his trucking business which he also lost but blamed on the economy. Now i lost everything, my wife, my family, my vehicles obviously in the divorce, and the money i had in our business venture together. Everything because of him, but yet i feel sorry for him. Is there something wrong with me ??? Our friendship is over for good obviously, and even though he’s the reason for my loss, i know the pain of everything he’s going through now. You’d think I’d be happy but I’m not. Any thoughts ???
I found something out yesterday that completely ripped my heart out. My wife divorced me a year and a half ago and i didnt know why until now. It seems my ( best friend lol ) was going to talk to and check on my wife and family while i was out of town for work without me knowing. This guy had a successful trucking business, a wife, kids, plus come to find out, a girlfriend and kids with her. So why interfere with my life. I lost everything because of this. My home, my vehicles, my Harley, but most importantly the woman that i loved and thought i was gonna spend the rest of my life with. After years of let down i met her, fell in love, and got married. I honestly thought things had changed for me, but i was wrong. Now the problem I’m having is. ” what should i do ” ??? Lmfao. I know what i wanna do, the worst part is that i have moved on for the most part, and now everything has come rushing back in. I’m re living all the hurt, but now there’s betrayal involved. It’s like people can’t stand to see anybody else happy, WHY ??? Oh well, those are the breaks right. Or just the breaks for me. Either way, breaks suck.
Hello everybody, it’s been awhile but I’m back. I was gonna go on a tyrate and vent but after reading some post and thinking about things ( for once ) I’ve come to the realization that i I’m just getting used to things. I honestly thought things had turned around for me and made the mistake of letting my guard down and everything just kinda fell apart again. I was gonna go out do some partying but decided not to. Then was gonna come here and vent because i have some really good people here that can usually talk me in from ledge. Then i made the decision that I’m not letting life win this time, I’m gonna win this time. I deserve to give myself at least that much, just like every one of you deserve to give yourselves that much. I’ve been working on liking myself which is something that I’ve never been able to do. I’m not giving up anymore, of course all of that is subject to change but for now i feel hopeful and thankful for my friends here on SP. i wish we all could feel this way all the time because i think it’s finally time for some happiness. And i do sincerely hope that everybody finds their own happiness, whatever that may be. I really am sorry for just rambling lol but i just wanted to share a positive post for a change. Thanks guys for letting me share my thoughts.
Family & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurvivePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
Four years ago today !!!!!
Hello to old friends and new. As you can see im not dead or in prison which i guess is a good thing. ( depending who you ask ) i haven’t been on in awhile, trying to be strong for eveybody else lmao. Anyways i do pop in to read post now and then but had to post today. Like many people, this is my vent. I get a lot of good advice, kind words, and a whole lotta ” shit ” off my chest. Its been 4 years today that GOD took my oldest son. He was 21 gonna be 22 that year. He was my name sake, my little buddy, my road dawg, most importantly he was my baby. I try not think about the accident that much but i cant help it on certain days. I lost his momma in a car accident too in 2001 and it was me and him, now its just me. But i just gotta toughen up, things will get better, it couldnt possibly get worse right ??? Wrong, foolish words from foolish people who dont know what theyre talkin about, and if i seem like an asshole im sorry. People need to realize that sometimes they do more harm than good. You know exactly how i feel huh ??? Unless youve buried your child, you have no fuckin idea. So whatever happened to just a simple ” im sorry for your loss ” or “my condolences ” seems like everybody is in competition with each other. Guess what ? I dont wanna compete. YOU WIN congratulations !!! I really am sorry for this post, but i do thank you for letting me vent. Im just a very angry man right now, funny how life has that effect on us sometimes. Wish everybody well and keep the rubber side down, as for me. Im gonna put my happy mask back on and go back out into this rotten world and make everybody think everything is just fine lol. ( but we know dont we ??? Wink wink )
Life – 567,983,122……. Me – 0…. That’s how many times I’ve been kicked in the balls, it’s a rough estimate of course but I don’t think I’m off by much, just something else taken from me. Not another child or grandchild this time, another business, apparently I’m broke more than I figured and business partner and friend has been selling off equipment, and the rest is on it’s way. We never even got to get things up and running. $150,000. Worth of equipment has been sold for close to fuckin nothing, and all I can do is sit back and watch. At least I still have my good looks, wait…. no that’s not it. At least I still have my youth, no that’s not it either. I still have my self respect…… no, that’s been gone for awhile now. Hmmmmm. I’m gonna have to think about this for a minute…… To be continued…….. yes that’s a good ending….
No rants today for a change, just stuck inside of my mind. The one place I despise the most. I wonder why there are people in this world that want to live, but die. There are people in this world that want to die, but yet they live. That’s seems cruel to me sometimes. I know for myself it has been a constant struggle, trying to keep it together for the people in my life, especially when I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have to deal with my so-called ” mental illness “. As a child I obviously didn’t know what was going on, and sometimes I still don’t as an adult lol. I do know that the self hatred has continued to grow and age with me. Everything and everybody that I loved most in this world is gone, and how I wish I could be with my son. Just to be able to see him smile again and not just in a picture, to hear him say ” it’s ok Pop’s, everything is gonna be ok “. And even though my other kids have moved on with their own lives and don’t have anything to do with me anymore. I still have my youngest daughter, and as much as I hate this miserable existence, I have to keep going for her. I only get my little angel on the weekend, and it hurts so bad every Sunday when I have to drop her off and tell her goodbye again. Then I get to be alone with ( ME ) like I am right now. Somewhere between heaven and hell. Unfortunately it breaks my heart to know that there are so many other people that are in their own personal limbo. And in a world as advanced as the one we live in, there’s no help.
Hey cordless, I was reading some of the previous post and seen the one you did about your claw ring and had to say that it is a very cool ring, I had a close bro give me the exact same ring about 20 years ago, this one was made out of brass ( of all things ) the funny thing is that I still have it all this time later. When I read your post and seen the ring I looked for mine and found it, along with some other stuff I have forgotten about. Thanks bringing back some really cool memories. 🙂 🙂 🙂
I have a friend, and our relationship had grown into something more. I have known that she has leukemia that has been in remission for a few years, but it’s back. After a long conversation she told me that she love’s me, and…. I have to say I love her too. Even with the things going on in our lives, I still assured her I was here for the long haul. I don’t want her to feel alone or like she has to face this alone like she did the first time. After a divorce that completely crushed me, I stayed alone for a year to heal myself before she came into my life. The day that she told me that she loved me, ( and vice versa )I asked her to take care of my heart, it’s been broken so many times and there’s not much of it left, but I’m giving it to you anyways, and she swore to me ” I promise to always take care of it, nobody will ever hurt it again ” and not too long after that she walked away without so much as an explanation or goodbye. Haha, heart broken yet again, but such is life I guess. I got a call today from her today, told that she had made a terrible mistake, but didn’t want to put me through what she’s going through, but I’m a big boy I said. I know what I signed up for, and that I wanted to be by her side through this no matter what the outcome may be. Now I’m torn, and not only that. I was listening to some of my favorite music, and the lyrics in one song said, ( though my ” will ” shall never break, but it will bend. Like the scars that heal, but never mend ) WOW !!!! my exact feelings put to music lol. Again there’s a few people here that know me and my story here, and I haven’t posted anything in a minute because I have been so angry lately and now this. And even though I’m stilled pissed at the world, im confused now. Because part of me wants to tell her to go ” FUCK HERSELF ” and part of me still wants to walk this journey with her so that I can make sure that sheI never feels alone, but none of me trust her. Lmfao, anyways, that’s the end of my rant. I hope everyone has the greatest of days. 🙂 🙂 🙂
Well I made it out alive once more, not sure how I feel about that. Actually just woke up. After more shit was thrown on my already full plate, I lost it and raged like I tend to do. So after being up for 3 days partying, rippin the scooter down the highway at 120+ enough alcohol and other things that would kill a herd of elephants, sleeping for another day. I woke up, but instead of being pissed off because I did wake like usually do, I woke up and thought of the people that I’ve met here that have showed me love and support. To all of you ( and you know who you are ) that have been here for me from the beginning I’d like to say I’m sorry for my selfishness. My last post was done out of pure and unadulterated anger and I left that post with a sense of uncertainty. I’m guilty of doing things like that, but I continue to work on that still. Unfortunately depending on what’s going on, I have no problem hittin my self destruct button. But I know how it feels not knowing about the well being of someone I care about and having to worry about them, and then finding out I lost them or the anger of finding out that they made it out but made worry anyways, I feel that I’ve done that to some of you, and for that I am truly sorry
It’s not even 6:00 am, it’s not even a week day and yet here’s life giving me more shit. Seems to be a never-ending vicious cycle and I’m just about fed up. As far as I’m concerned life can go fuck itself, and I use the word life loosely because this ain’t no life. Sometimes things get taken away to free up your hands for something better ??? I’m calling bullshit. Life feels like a bully sometimes, and when a bully takes your stuff, you don’t get nothing back, let alone something better. Well I say Fuck You life, I’m done with your wratchet ass, punk ass *****, sorry about the cussin but that’s where I’m at. I’m done, I’ve learned to deal with the depression, the anxiety, and even the loss, but I’ll be damned if this world will let me deal with the anger. When all it does is make me mad to the point that I feel the need to tear shit up. Lmfao I’m out !!! See y’all in the funny papers.
If I could I surely would, ease all of your pain.
But if I could no longer, would you still know my name.
And if I couldn’t drain the tears that pour from these eyes, would you turn your back on me ?
Or would you say goodbye.
If I couldn’t be the shoulder which your head would rest upon.
Would you still be waiting, or would you be gone ?
If I couldn’t keep the smile, forever on your face.
Would I still be around ? Or would I be replaced ?
You have me way beyond empty inside, awaiting my last day to arrive.
I’m way beyond empty inside, awaiting my end to arrive !!!!
Hey everybody, this is going to be short for a change lol. I just want to say that when I post or comment I can be long winded, sorry for that. I hope at no time that my words are ever taken out of context, or come off as offensive. I tend to say what’s on my mind and here I try and take the time to word everything just right. I have met some of the most extraordinary people here who have talked me in from the edge and for that I’m so thankful. I just want to give back here and hopefully be able to help people as much as I’ve been helped by everybody here. Now nobody has said that I’ve offended them, but when there’s someone that post something similar to what I’ve been through I will share my story. I don’t do it to over shadow anybody because obviously this isn’t a competition, I share my story so that people can see that if I can get through the shit life throws at us, anybody can. Because I considered myself one of the weakest, useless, pieces of shit that the GOOD LORD ever put on this earth. I just wish each and every one of nothing but the absolute best that life does have to offer. Not very short this time either huh ??? Lol sorry
The Wendy Williams show is on. I can’t find the damn remote, I can’t change the channel on the frickin cable box without the damn remote. And I swear on all that is Holy that if I hear these women yell whoop-whoop one more time I just might end it. ( it gonna take a talk show to drive me over the edge ? ) screw it. I’ll be in the garage if anybody needs me.
Reeses cups with nuts, reeses cups plain ???
Live fast, die young, and leave a good lookin corpse. That’s the way we always lived our lives growing up, some of us succeeded, some of us ( like myself ) didn’t. Oh I lived fast, ( still am ) but I didn’t die young, and let’s face it, the GOOD lookin corpse things went right out the window years ago. I grew up and still live in Detroit. Growing up we didn’t have anything but that didn’t matter cause we really didn’t need anything, hell there was no such thing as cable, or video games, we had hot wheels, the girls had their Barbie’s , and our imagination. But from a early age I’ve experienced death, kids in grade school, friends in high school, the first time I witnessed a death first hand I was 15 and came out of the pool hall and some guy stared at me and a friend of mine and then proceeded to pull out a gun and gave himself a new set of holes in his head, and as a few of you know here I ride with a M/ C so I’ve seen more than my share of friends die in the Biker world, starting in 2001 until present I have lost my wife, my father, my mother, two really close cousins, my son, a friend of the family that I raised as a son, a granddaughter, a nephew to heroin overdose in my home, and just recently a grandson. So like I said I’ve always dealt with death differently than everybody else, almost to the point of being cold to it , or to be quite honest, un- phased by it. But now I’m alone most of the time, unless I am out runnin and partyin. And all of these things are coming back to me now, almost teasing me, I swear I see things in the dark, or I think I hear something, but nothing is there. I’m not afraid of anything as far as I’m concerned the only permanent thing you could do to me is kill me, and I’m not afraid to die. But it does bother me in the sense that it’s happening now, now that I’ve lost everything including my job, and my home. I haven’t been the best person in the world but I’m far from the worst. Am I being punished for something I did a long time ago ??? And if so why not everything all at once, why spread it out over a 15 year span ultimately ending with me losing everything including my pride ??? I’m just venting again causing writing down my thoughts and the questions that I have at any given time and being able to read through it is well therapeutic to me in a sense. But I think I’m now.
Another all niter, who needs sleep right, I can rest when I die. I hate being alone with my thoughts, they remind just how much I hate this life, how much I wanna see the world bleed. How much I despise 5 little words. “I know how you feel ” NO YOU DONT or you would know how much your fake and hollow words piss me off. What ever happened to loyalty, or morals, or honesty ??? Why is common sense not so common anymore ??? The worst part is that I come here and vent and get more understanding and sincerity from complete strangers, and absolutely appreciate all the sincere words and support here, but I find it pathetic that the world that I’m a part of, family and friends ( that’s a fuckin laugh ) could give two shakes of a fat rat’s ass about the things going on in someone else’s life, well I officially ran outta ” give a fuck’s ” today. Maybe it’s just me, maybe I’m over reacting but I have some pretty selfish people in my life. Seems like when you’re up everybody comes out of the woodwork, when you’re down you hear crickets. It’s truly amazing what you have to go through before you find out who you can count on in your life. Oh well, like Moms used to say, ” such is life ”
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she’s blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.
He’s always there for her. She said that if she could only see the world she would marry her boyfriend. One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she can see everything including her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her, ” now that you can see the world, will you marry me ? ” The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend is blind too, and refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letter to her saying, ” Just take care of my eyes dear, I Love You. ”
Today was a good day, got to pick up that special lady in my life. My 11 year old daughter, what a complete and wonderful BLESSING she is, and she can always bring me outta my funks. Nothing beats the pure and innocent love of a child, and it truly humbles me to know that there is still a love like that in the world. She doesn’t look at me like the guy who works all the time, or the guy in the Motorcycle Club, or the guy that used to be married to her momma, NOPE !!!!!!!! I’m still just Daddy and that suits me just fine. Wouldn’t it be nice to be a kid again ??? 5 or 6 years old, everything thing was fresh and new, You were innocent, You didn’t know what it meant to judge or be judged. No worries, not a care in the world, and hell ( speaking for the guys ladies ) if you had a hot wheel, a stick, and a pile of dirt, you had yourself an all day event,. Don’t get get me started on the magnifying glass and a big want hill lmao. Just something to think about.
Good morning all, feeling alot better today, but as you all know, that’s subject to change. Even though I’m new here I have noticed alot of love and caring, and have received it from the people on this site and I just have to say thank you, like I’ve shared with a couple of people, it helps me to vent and let all of this poison out instead of letting it build up to a boiling point like I used to when I was younger. But then to receive kind words from complete strangers who are non-judgemental and have their own problems, yet they take the time to lift up the brother’s and sister’s who have stumbled and fell here on this site, Powerful !!!! I can’t speak for everyone, but I noticed in my own life, You find out who really loves you and cares about you when you do fall, the sad part is that I’ve fallen so much over the years I don’t really have anybody in my personal life that I can count on anymore to pick me up, I wish I would’ve come across this site alot sooner, because I’ve been helped up by a few people on this site that I don’t even know, and I commented to one of them earlier and completely screwed up their names so I’m not gonna do that again lol, but if you happen to run across the reply that I sent that person you’ll know exactly who they are, So to them and everybody else that care enough to pick up someone up who has stumbled I’d like to say. Thank You.
I sit here in utter amazement like I have so many times before, paralyzed stuck on the couch where I’ve been since last night on the down side of this GOD FORSAKEN rollercoaster. It seems like the older I get, there’s not as many highs as there used to be just down, deeper and deeper, when I finally do reach the bottom there’s not even a little bit of light anymore, and it takes so long to reach the top again, I suppose I will get up soon and try and find something, anything to ease the pain like I’ve had to do so many times before, it feels like a cancer eating away at my heart, ( what’s left of it ) my being, my very soul. The only thing that I have left in this rotten world is my youngest daughter, she’s all that is good and pure in my life, but like my other kids, I can’t keep her from growing. I wish that I could because she is the true definition of ” daddy’s girl ” but even she’s getting to the age that she’s starting to wanna hang out with her friends and like my other babies, I am so proud of her and couldn’t love her anymore, lmao she’s the only thing keeping me here, if I didn’t have her I would’ve just bowed out gracefully awhile ago. Unfortunately for me though she’s really smart, and even though I don’t give any clue of how I feel, she knows and I know she knows, the GOOD LORD knows that I’ll never win father of the year and I was young when I first became a dad, I always took care of my family, worked so much so they could have everything that I couldn’t as a child, but I didn’t give them enough of me or my time, wasn’t there for them emotionally. I was selfish and I’m paying the price for it now, because when my oldest son was killed 4 years ago the rest just walked away. In my defense kids don’t come with instruction manuals, so I had to learn from my mistakes and I feel that I have, just too little, too late. Well I guess I’m done with my little pity party, it’s time to go get the stuff to ease my pain, Thank you for letting me post, I wish you all well.
Newer Posts