I’ve dabbled at looking at posts on this site before. I have to say there is a lot of strength and a lot of pain by those that post. I don’t particularily know why I’m posting this, I guess I just need to tell someone with an outside opinion.
I’m a Marine veteran who has done two deployments to Afghanistan. I’ve seen some things and done things that will haunt me until I die and the people I try to reach out to never fully understand it. I’ve been out of active duty for over a year now and all I feel is regret. Regret for the people I could have saved, the lives I watched end and regret for the men and women still over there while I sit in a dead end job trying to make ends meet.
I should be happy that I made it home. I should be happy that all the marines directly under my care did as well, but I can’t. I proposed to my girfriend in January and she seems so happy planning the wedding but I feel more and more distracted and detatched. I don’t know anyone but her in this state really. The only contact I keep with my family is a weekly half-hour phone call. The men I knew in the marines are all busy with their enlistments or getting their lives on track so I never seem to talk to them either.
I can’t tell you how often I think of suicide. I wonder if I’ll even make it through the day sometimes. Who would notice or blink an eye at another veteran statistic anyway? There have been days when I’ve had a revolver in my mouth and only took it out because I needed to be at work. I hate sleep, I hate eating and feeling so god damn fat, I hate that I can’t tell my fiance any of this.
I don’t know what pushes me along, I guess it’s stubbornness or fear, but I’m still here, and I’m trying to stay here.
10 comments
Hello and welcome. I have a good friend who served in Iraq and he has some PTSD symptoms, so even though I could never understand how you feel I at least know what you’re talking about. I know the VA has counselors and other resources, but I’m guessing you’ve tried those.
Why do you think you can’t tell your fiancee though? Since you want to spend the rest of your life with her, I would think you would trust her to not judge you for experiencing feelings that have afflicted thousands and thousands of the strongest people. And I would think she would want to know.
I told her about the things that happened to me. She knows that I tried suicide in the past as well as a very bad alcohol addiction that also almost killed me. I feel like I can’t tell her because I’ll just bring her down too. I’d much rather feign the happiness and keep dragging on than to hurt her, make her feel like she’s the reason I’m so depressed. I guess maybe I’m just a coward and I want to suffer if it means she doesn’t have to know or feel it too.
Choosing to suffer yourself to save others from pain is the exact opposite of being a coward. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish though. She has no reason to think she’s the cause of your depression.
Also, you can’t feign happiness indefinitely.
thanks for your service.
You’re not “just another veteran suicide”, you’re not a statistic. You’re a human being and have intrinsic value.
I agree with dividebyzero. You’re a pretty brave guy to put on that mask everyday for her sake.
It’s hard to feel like a human being though, I may just be beating a dead horse here but I feel disconnected from other people, I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed in society, and worst of all a lot of society doesn’t feel like I belong in it. I’ve been spit on and harassed by people I had never met. I’ve been told that I’ll be in hell when I die because of my decision to try to protect these people. I know there are many more worse off than me too but still, it hurts to come home and find out people don’t want you there and the ones that do usually stay away from you because they’re worried you’re going to snap. I’m sorry for bringing the mood down and I want to thank you all for your support. Just a side note, let it be known that come what may, I will always be proud of my service and to those that stand behind veterans, you have my undying gratitude.
It’s okay to repeat yourself. Some things need repeating. I’m so sorry for the way people have treated you. You just don’t deserve that at all. And trust me, you’re not going to Hell. Even if you somehow do, then it won’t be for your service. God doesn’t punish people for doing what is right, and He doesn’t punish people for doing what they think is right, either. So whichever of those your service is, (let He be the one to decide, not those morons that pass you on the street) He won’t send you to Hell for it.
Your fiancé seems to not be afraid of you. Do you agree with me?
Thank you for your service. I read and I care. Just wanted to tell you that. I agree with what the others have said. You are strong to have gone through all you went through and to keep fighting. I hope you can find peace.
I agree whiskered-fish and I know she can look past it all. That’s why I love her, she’s pulled me past the brink before and she’s the major reason I’m still here. And yes I’m going to keep fighting for as long as I can, hell it’s the one thing I’m good at. I’m just happy (for at least a little while) that there are good people out there.
Thanks for your service to our country. You are an incredibly strong man who saw and did a lot of things most of us will never understand. Feel connected in your disconnect from society. You’re not the only veteran or even civilian disconnected to society you’re not alone and we are all here for you.