Hyperactive + Depression = Nope

My stepdad’s been drinking all afternoon, and it took me 15 minutes to get him to leave me alone after my mum went to bed. I’m alone downstairs now. Left to dwell on the last few days.

I’m still insanely hyper, but at the same time I want to kill myself – not just having the thought pop into my head and then it leaves, I want to go out with my tools to somewhere remote and end it. And I think this is more serious than when I usually want to do it. I’m usually too depressed to move, which explains the lack of attempts so far this year (2, if my memory serves me correct). My Mum’s still convinced I’m Bipolar, so she’ll most likely make my psychiatrist ‘test me’, as she said.

However, because of how energetic I am, I could just go and do it without a second thought. I’ve went to a few times, but something’s always gotten in the way right before I leave the house. I’ve been looking at ‘fun ways’ to do it, too.

This state of mind is confusing and scary, and, to top it off, my therapist cancelled yesterday until next Friday. I’ve been getting through the last couple weeks because I knew I was going to see her on Friday, and then she goes and cancels 3 hours before I was supposed to see her. I can’t cope with this energy with the depression as well. I was fine with all the energy, but the depression is making my anger outbursts worse because I physically can’t bring myself to even think sometimes while at the same I’m planning all these trips and things. It’s exhausting.

I’ve been to college Tuesday-Thursday this week, and it’s hell. I haven’t concentrated on anything and instead disrupted the beginning of each class from constantly tapping/quiet singing/squeaking the chair. Bree’s been coming to college with me, too.

She got me into trouble on Monday. She said I needed to skip because she wanted to spend time with me without the distraction of work. So I went for a walk, and what happened within the first 5 minutes? My mum drove past me and she called me up. I ended up getting abuse down the phone and breaking down in the middle of the road – almost getting hit by several cars.

After walking with Bree for a while, I went back to having the ridiculous energy again. Of course, I didn’t tell my mum I stayed off because of Bree – she doesn’t know about Bree. No one knows about her. She says they’ll take me away, and get rid of her. So Bree’s my secret.

I have no idea why I’ve posted tonight, or why I’ve wrote all this nonsense. I suppose it’s clearing some space in my mind. Transferring it from my brain to physical words to free up some memory space. Even if it’s probably poorly written, I’m too tired to care about that right now.