I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I just don’t love any of you any more. I say that I do, and sometimes I feel an echo inside of the feeling that used to be signified by those words. But I don’t love you any more. I go through the motions, and I say the right bits of dialogue. But inside I’m empty and lonely and tired.
The road stretching ahead is more of the same emptiness. There’s no place I want to travel to, nothing I want to do, no one I want to see. I’m tired of movies, tired of books, tired of the endless round of daily life.
Most of all I’m tired of my son. I hate who he has become, and I hate myself because I know I must be responsible, both directly and indirectly, for who he is. All the work and sacrifice, all the years of devoting myself to being a mother, and the person who was my son has become someone I despise. I’d love to be completely free of thoughts and memories of him.
Mostly what keeps me from killing myself is fear of what lies on the other side. What if it’s even worse? What if there really is an eternity of hellfire and torment waiting for me? I’d rather endure however many more years of this hollow life than an eternity of suffering. I feel so trapped! So I eat food that I know is bad for me — because I don’t think even the angriest, most retributive deity can punish you for death-by-hamburger.
3 comments
is your son some kind of addict or criminal?
You are a human before a mother. Not every mother feels like being a mother is her top priority in life and that’s ok. People make children because other people make children, not because they want this huge responsibility on their shoulders.
You and your son are different people. He made his choices, you made yours. You influenced him in a way, but you can never be sure in what way, good or bad.
Don’t kill yourself over your kid. He has his own reasons to do the things he do. Self destructive people will destroy themselves no matter what you do.
It seems like it’s not just the kid that makes her want to kill herself. It’s more like the kid is just a bonus pain in the ass.
This person, like me, feels no reason to live anymore and no purpose. This person is tired of life and waking up every day to the same shit. I wake up and feel like I want to die every day. I’m not interested in anything anymore. How many movies can you watch? Or how many concerts can you go to? How many times can you feel rejected and have your heartbroken. How many times can you feel lonely and empty inside? We are strong for still being here, but more and more it’s not worth it to me. I feel for this person. I see no future either. I have no hopes or dreams, don’t give a damn about anything.
I will never understand the masses of people who want to marry and reproduce. It’s a JOKE! I don’t want that shit. All that seems like is a burden to me. Society has its rules and I will never fit in. I now have a method for killing myself when I’m ready, but I’m afraid of what’s on the other side too!
So you’re killing yourself with food. Well, that’s been working. Death by obesity is at a really high rate now. I think it’s a conspiracy from a long time ago that the elite has been trying to take people out with food. Whether people know it or not, they’re killing themselves with something: it could be food, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, risky behaviour. Anyway, I know how you feel. I’m sorry.